St. Valentines from a recovering romantic

Disclaimer:  I know, you are asking yourself why I would be writing an article like this. I seem to be stepping out of my area of expertise. The reason for this is because I know from personal experience that anyone in business, who is married or in a long term relationship, will be significantly and directly affected in all areas of their life by how that relationship is going, and how healthy that relationship is. I

You hear the phrase, “ never mix business with personal” but there is really no getting around it. Too often we let our work life interfere with our personal life and this causes issues. If you are currently experiencing problems with your relationships at home, take some advice from…

A Recovering Unromantic

Research has proven that those who are happy at home are more productive and less stressed out on the job. When we develop a better relationship with our mate or significant other, it will help you develop a happier life and a better business. I have some nuggets of truth for you to chew on to help develop a strong and healthy relationship and rekindle some of the romance that may have gotten laid aside over the years.

• Be a Microphone, Not a Speaker or Stereo. Communication is the number one key to having a long-lasting relationship and listening is the part of communicating that most forget. More often that we would publicly admit, we either hog most of the conversation by talking to and over our mate the microphone), or we wait to speak, but instead of listening to what our mate is saying, and understanding them, too often we are making mental notes of what we would like to say as soon as the opportunity to jump in comes about. Yes, we guys have more of an issue with this second one that the ladies, but there are quite a few of the female persuasion who have this issue as well.. We find ourselves looking for the weakness in our mate's argument or developing talking points from the words being said that will allow us to redirect the conversation to something that we want to talk about more. We are listening to the sentence structures instead of what they are saying and the manner in which they're saying it.

Take some time this week and try to really listen to and understand what your mate is saying and feeling?

• “No Work On the Brain” Date Night. I have found that this was one of the most difficult things to do. In today’s society, with work, family, friends, it is too easy to put our relationships on the back burner and take time just for each other. This is really difficult when children are entered into the equation. While we might have every intention of blocking out a regular time to spend quality time with our mate, we often find ourselves driven by a schedule that doesn’t leave room for the “us time” because the day planner seems to set us on a non-stop coarse in every direction and leaves the “us time” on the backburner to simmer, which often leads to it cooling down. We must realize the importance of our relationship with our mate and the effect that it has on our life as a whole. It is a priority that we make spending time with our mate a top of the list goal by scheduling a specific time every day to just talk, at least once a week to get alone together, talk, and simply relax in each other’s company with no distractions. Once a month, there needs to be a date night completely away from anything that distracts you from being in the moment and concentrating on your mate. Pencil…NO, INK it into your schedule and don't change it for anything except, of course a life or death situation. Sit down with your mate and decide what nights will work each and every week, and then put it into both of your day planners. If someone asks you if you're available at that time, you tell him or her you already have an obligation that can’t be changed. In the long run, you will find that this time with your mate will help you to become more of a success than you could have ever foreseen.
• Consider your mate's interests more important than your own. When each person has decided to give of themselves to the other, you form a reciprocating relationship of love, concern, and devotion. When you come to a place where you disagree or where the two of you have differing opinions, try to get to the point where you can consider what your mate likes as more important then what you would like to do. The simple decision to do this goes a long way toward developing a healthy relationship!
• Learn your mate's love language. There is a lot of talk about love languages. What this is, is that each individual has certain ways they receive love from other people. Some people like to have time spent with them. Others like gifts, small or large. Still others respond best to personal touch. And others appreciate verbal affirmation. Some like be loved by act service. Our tendency is to show love the way that we like to receive love, but what will recharge our relationship fastest is to find out what way our mate likes to receive affirmations of our love. The next time you get a chance to speak to your mate, ask them which of the above ways they like best to receive your demonstration of love. Then make a conscious effort to begin showing your love to them in that manner.
• Do the small things you did when you first fell in love with your mate. Do remember when you were first in love? Remember the small things you did show your love to your mate? But as time went along, you probably began to get weighed down with simply living life and forgot the small things that made the difference in the beginning. Things like a phone call in the middle of the day just to talk or say "I love you," an appreciative note, flowers, gifts, and opening doors. Re-charge your relationship by consciously going back and doing the small things that you did when your love first began to grow.
• Forgive. I've done a lot of work with couples were having troubles, and one of the most common elements I find that is working against the development of their relationship is that they are holding something against the other and they aren't willing to forgive. The fact is that your mate is going to fail you from time to time. We need to understand that. What we do when we get to that point however, is what will make all the difference in the world. In a relationship that is going to last, the people involved are committed to forgiving one another. Those who's relationships last longest, and will be the healthiest, are those who are committed to forgiveness.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you in recharging your love relationship. I truly believe that if we will put these principles into practice we will see our relationships grow in ways they never have before, and that in turn will make our whole life better.

Make it a GREAT day!

Tipping the Scales

“There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time”

~ Coco Chanel

If you can’t afford to make major changes in your career or your life to get the balance you need and want, there are some other ways to decompress and capitalize on the time you DO have for yourself and your family.

If you institute some simple changes, you will FEEL like you have more time for yourself and the time you have will be more rewarding.

In a moment, we will talk about the affects of stress on your body, your mind and your life and family.

So, hold that thought!

First, we should talk about making the available time ‘better’. Many people that have studied and mastered work/life balance are busier than ever!

But they know how to transition between work and social life so that they don’t waste time in limbo, trying to shake off the worries of the day and, in the process, ignoring the time they DO have with family members and friends.

Basically, it’s all in the approach!

Don’t let life run over you!

Get control. Know what you have to do and get it done. Then, when it is time to transition from home to work or from work to home, you will be ready for the transition.

To accomplish this, you’ll want to think of your ‘work time’ and your ‘personal time’ as existing in two different worlds.

Each of these ‘worlds’ requires different skills and a different focus, but they are both important.

You can use some of the ideas here to create a ‘transition’ ritual for yourself – one that gets you out of one world and ready for another.

To go from home to work, you can try these things:

Get things ready the night before. Don’t wait until the chaos of the morning to pack lunches and iron clothes.

Sign homework and pack your briefcase or car for work the night before, so you don’t forget anything.

The less rattled you are going into the day, the less unbalanced you will feel throughout the day.

Set your alarm and get up on time so you don’t have to rush. Always allow enough time for that last minute emergency, if you have kids. They have a way of foiling the best-laid plans.

You can try getting up before everyone else does if you think this might work for you.

That will give you a little quiet time to get things done in peace before the rest of the house starts to stir and you are less likely to forget things in the rush.

Some people use this extra quiet time to have a cup of coffee and write out their list for the day. Whatever works for you is fine!

Be sure you don’t run short on time to get to work. If you have young children, you have to be creative here. A ‘goodbye’ routine is a good idea.

One that is fun and easy for the kids to get into will make the drop-off at daycare a lot easier and you will be out the door in no time.

These routines take a few tries to get right, so be patient with yourself and your children.

Perhaps you can make a game of the tasks to be performed on the way out the door by using the familiar ‘Simon Says’. “Simon says get your lunch out of the refrigerator”.

Others use an imagination game to make the morning go smoothly. When you get to the drop-off point, ask your child to tell you what they will do today and make it fun and outrageous. “What are you going to do today, while I am at work?” “I’m going to climb the castle wall and rescue the beautiful princess. But first I have to kill the dragon that guards her”.

As soon as they understand the game, your kids will take it from there!

Focus on what fun things they might do that day, things they will learn and how anxious you will be to hear about what they did when you see them in the evening. And avoid the wrenching goodbyes and feelings of loss.

Have a plan for what you will do if your child is sick or if you wake up to a foot of snow and you can’t miss work.

Use your trip to work – by train, car or bus – to read a book you enjoy, make a list of action items for the day, have a cup of your favorite coffee or listen to your favorite CD or meditation tape.

You’ll need that sense of Zen and organization to get ready for the day, and you’ll greet the problems of the day with calm, and focused approach.

“The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender”

 ~ Vince Lombardi

At the end of the day, don’t forget to transition back to your ‘social’ world. Switch out of the work mindset and use your time in the car, train or bus to reprogram yourself.

Consciously leave behind the work worries, make a short list of items to remember for the next day if you need to do so – and then let it go.

Listen to your CDs or read your book and focus on your family and friends. Think about what you will do when you get home and about the things you will share with your family and what they might want to tell you.

Some people close the office door and meditate for a few minutes before they leave or they use the very act of closing the door to ‘close the door on the day’ as they say.

Whatever works for you is fine!

One woman completes the transition by fixing her make-up, changing her shoes and spraying a fresh scent of perfume in the bathroom on the way out of the office. Now, she’s ready for the evening!

An advertising executive changes his clothes to casual clothing and puts on a clown nose for the drive home to get him in a silly mood. He gets a lot of stares by passing drivers, but he loves it.

You may have noticed that firefighters, and police officers never leave the station house in their uniform at the end of their shift.

There are many reasons for that transition but the psychological transition of taking off the ‘work clothes’ and putting on the street clothes is, nonetheless, a psychological transition that works for nurses, doctors, and firefighters alike.

For anyone that wears a uniform, a suit or other clothing that they don’t wear at home, the transition is something they don’t have to explain.

The mother that wears a business suit and high heels, is a different person to her children when she changes back into her jeans and t-shirt at home.

Make much of the homecoming, too!

Give hugs and kisses to all and announce your arrival. This will help you to transition and it will give your family the boost they need in seeing you at the end of the day.

And, don’t discount laughter as a means of transition from work to home. If you like to listen to stand-up comedians, or talk to a funny friend on the train on the way home, do so. Laughter has a very positive affect on your brain and on your outlook on life.

But, remember that coming home is not always a bed of roses.

Your spouse, children or parents may have had a hard day and they will save their troubles to tell you, their trusted confidante. After a long and hard day at work, the last thing you may feel like doing is to listen to troubles.

It helps to take a breather.

Go change, take a shower and relax for a few moments before you tackle the discussion about bills and health problems.

You can anticipate these discussions by calling home before you leave work to check in. Take the pulse of how things are going at home and find out who is having a bad day.

If you have to pick up your kids on the way home, and you are trapped in the car with a bundle of upset nervous energy, let them blow off steam and tell you their trials of the day for a few minutes.

Then turn on some music they like, settle in and agree that when you get home, everyone will take a deep breath and relax.

Reinforce that HOME is a soothing place! A place they can go to be with those that care about them and to get away from the problems of the day.

If YOU have a really tough day, tell your family that and ask for a few minutes to compose yourself before you join in the fray.

Be sure that they know that they have done nothing wrong and that you are just taking the time for yourself because of the day you had at work.

As you practice some of these techniques, you are bound to come up with your own ideas and rituals and you should try them and make liberal use of those that work for you, in order to help yourself with this transition.

How is Your Social Life?

“Life is painting a picture, not doing a sum”

~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

We are on the subject of your personal life in this short series, so let’s talk about your friends. Everyone has them and everyone needs them. Friends are a necessary social extension and they provide an outlet, a group of like-minded people who share values, though perhaps not always every opinion.

Time out with friends, whether they are old high school buddies or friends you’ve made at work, is important.

A movie, a cup of coffee, an occasional dinner, perhaps even sharing an activity you both like, such as bowling, golf, baseball, slot machines, a book club, or going to the movies, the theater or the ballet.

All of the techniques we discussed for your family life can also be applied to your friends.

Above all, keep in touch. Schedule events and get-togethers with a realistic eye to what you can achieve.

Many people work long hours, have demanding jobs and still manage to participate in monthly groups, or scheduled activities. And, this is a welcome relief from their grueling work schedule.

Put the appointments on your calendar just as you would any business meeting, and be dutiful about keeping the appointment even if it seems a guilty pleasure during that critical crunch season at work.

If you must cancel, communicate clearly with your friend(s) and let them know why you have to reschedule.

DO reschedule.

Don’t leave it to chance or you will never get together.

When you go out with friends, even if they are co-workers, use your newly learned skills in self-discipline to keep you out of the realm of work discussion.

Don’t talk shop, or you will not get away from the stress you tried to leave behind at the office. It is a hard habit to break, and it may take some time and focus to learn the new habit.

You can make it fun by agreeing that the person who breaks the ‘don’t talk shop’ code first will have to buy a round of drinks or coffee, or has to pay for dinner.

You’d be amazed at how quickly your co-workers will learn the lesson!

If you have a friend, or a group of old college chums with whom you love to socialize, try to pick a monthly or weekly date – the second Tuesday of every month, for example – and get together then.

Everyone will look forward to these occasions and you won’t feel so deprived of social contact.

During times of high stress and long hours, take the time to go out for a walk or get a cup of coffee or have lunch with someone outside the office.

Get away from the people you see in the halls every day and get a breath of fresh air.

You’ll feel much better.

Don’t give up the activities and friends you love. Exercise and socialization are key to balancing your life and even though you may feel they can be postponed until a time when your career is not on high speed, your health will benefit from the short breaks and scheduled visits you insist on taking.

We’ll talk more about stress and exercise later, and how these figure into life balance. Right now, let’s focus on your friends.

If your friends have fallen by the wayside with the advent of your most recent and most hectic job, you need to get some more friends fast.

Man does not live by work alone!

And though your family is very important to you, your friends serve a different purpose.

They are often more honest with you than your family can be and they will forgive and forget without the same intimate emotional attachment of a spouse, a mother or a brother.

You can count on them to make you laugh and to share your successes and failures. They are part of your psychological armor and a necessary part of your life’s balance.

If you need to reconnect with friendship, you can often find someone with whom you share common values at work, or in an industry association or club.

Or you may find a friend that shares a passion for a sport or an activity while attending a sporting event or on line at the movie theater.

Seek out friends actively and don’t be afraid to invite your new friend for a drink or coffee. There is no harm done if the friendship does not blossom.

Friends make you more interesting and expand your horizons.

And, they keep you from becoming a boring, ‘all work and no play’ kind of person.

Again, you have to be disciplined, have a plan and pay attention, to take advantage of these opportunities.

“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow”

~ Don Herold

Setting Expectations

Up until now, we have only touched on expectations, but they are perhaps the most important part of your balancing plan. Expectations come into play in several ways.

First, there are YOUR expectations.

What is it that you expect to get from a more balanced life? More free time? A closer relationship with your spouse? The time to pursue an advanced degree?

Maybe, you want to learn to ride a horse? Any or all of these things are fine goals, but your expectation to achieve balance must take into consideration that some of these goals will take MORE time away from your family.

So, the first thing you have to do is to get it straight in your own mind. What is ‘balance’ for you?

Is it more time for yourself? More time for your family? Don’t make a promise to get more work/life balance and then squander that balance with poor planning.

What do you expect to achieve? How will this balance change your life?

Are you expectations realistic for the planned timeframe and actions you want to take or are you dreams too large?

Once you have your own expectations under control, you’ll need to look to your employer and your family and friends to be sure that you understand and can meet their expectations.

It is all well and good that you expect to regain some balance in your life but if your employer still thinks you should work eighty hours per week, you aren’t likely to get far.

Put it on paper. Then talk to the people most important to you and those whose support is crucial – like your boss – to find out what THEY expect. Then compare notes and figure out if everything is aligned.

If it isn’t, you’ll have to adjust the plan. Once you get the plan right, you can move forward more quickly and with more success.

Setting Goals

“Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you” ~ Carl Sandburg ~

Now, let’s talk about Goals. Like any other important life decision, you have to have goals or you are shooting in the dark.

To set Goals for your work/life balance, you have to take your expectations and translate them into the ‘what’ of what you want to achieve and the ‘when’. Be as specific as possible.

For example, if you are going to look for a new, less demanding job, your goals might include the industry you want to work in, the type of job you want to get and how much money you want to make, as well as when you want to get the job.

Here are some examples to get you started:

“My goal is to get a job with one of the Top Ten banks in the U.S., as a Bank Manager, by May of 2006”

“Reduce the number of hours I work by 10 hours per week in time for John’s 2006 Little League Season”

“Visit my mother every Sunday for at least three hours”

“Train 2-3 people on my staff to take over the bookkeeping process by January of next year”

“Schedule and keep a weekly date with Mary for dinner and a movie”

Simple, right?

Remember, the best way to set goals is to word them simply but specifically!

That way you can measure your success without trying to guess whether you succeeded.

The next task at hand is to figure out HOW to achieve your goals.

Remember that your expectations and goals must be realistic or you will never get to where you want to be!

 

Now it is time to figure out just how realistic your expectations and goals are, because you have to establish a plan to achieve those goals!

Let’s take the first example and see what we can do with that one.

“My goal is to get a job with one of the Top Ten banks in the U.S., as a Bank Manager, by May of 2006”

To establish a workable plan for this goal you would need to consider the following questions.

            􀂾 What are the top 10 banks in the U.S.?

            􀂾 How do you find out what jobs are available at each bank?

            􀂾 Are you qualified for the Bank Manager jobs in these banks?

            􀂾 Will these job openings require you to move your family to another location?

            􀂾 Are there job placement agencies you can use to find these jobs and arrange for interviews?

            􀂾 Do you have an up-to-date resume?

            􀂾 Do you have the appropriate wardrobe for this job?

            􀂾 Do you have good references?

            􀂾 Do your family and/or spouse support this decision?

            􀂾 Is it realistic to expect that you can research, find and get this job by May, 2006?

 

You can probably think of more questions you’ll have to answer!

But, this list will give you some idea of the considerations involved in just one goal.

For every goal you set, you will have to think about how reasonable the goal is, how achievable it is and exactly how you plan to accomplish it in the timeframe you have set for yourself.

When it comes to the goals of your family and friends, the emotional attachment and desire to do the right thing may make it hard to think clearly and to accurately plan for how and when these things will happen.

Be honest with yourself and with each other and by all means include your support network in the plan.

Ask your family to come up with ideas about how you can accomplish these things. Brainstorm and leave the door open for crazy ideas.

You’d be surprised at what you might uncover in this way.

Then sit down and pick through the plan and decide which ideas will work and which must be discarded.

As you start to execute your plan, be sure you review it occasionally to ensure that you are still on target and decide if you have to change anything.

Life happens!

And, you may have to change some of your timetables and tasks to incorporate the unexpected changes in your life.

For example, you may plan to take a job that pays less and gives you more time at home to help care for an aging parent.

But, if that parent requires some sort of catastrophic care or expensive medical treatment, you may have to keep the higher paying job to earn the money you need.

If so, are there community support services and low-cost, high-quality caregivers that can come in an work a few hours every day so you can continue to work the longer hours at work to pay for the care?

If not, do you have family members or friends that can pitch in for a little while until you figure out what to do next?

Does the parent have a home that can be sold to help pay for the extra healthcare costs?

Remember, there is always more than one way to solve a problem. Don’t panic and don’t give up on your work/life balance goals.

Just find another way to accomplish them and be realistic about whether you can achieve them in the same time period.

Perhaps you need to extend your timetable a bit to accommodate the new developments in your life.

That doesn’t mean you won’t get there.

Just knowing you have a contingency plan will keep you afloat and moving forward.

Remember! PLAN is not just another four-letter word!