Assertiveness Q and A

First, if you missed this series, go back and check out the other posts on this topic and the Q and A will be more pertinent to you. Just click here for the first of the series.

Here are just a few Q and A discussions on the topic of assertiveness. Again, there is no quick fix, one side fits all ability to go from being used and abused to being assertive without being pushy and obnoxious, but hopefully you see the importance of being more assertive in order to be successful and keep moving forward.

 

Q: What if I do become more assertive and I use what I have learned in my relationships, in my office work, or with friends; I even learned to say “no”. What if people get angry with me?

 

A: People who are truly your friends are not going to get mad at you. Real friends want you to learn and grow as a person. They will probably be happy for you now that you have learned to stop being a doormat. True friends want the best for you; in fact, they may have been secretly worried about you being such a pushover.

 

As for your spouse, if your partner truly loves you and wants the best for you, he/she will rejoice that you are learning to be more assertive and growing as a person. Your spouse’s own life will be enriched by your experience. You will be more self-confident and happy, thereby making both of your lives better.

 

If you apply these skills to your job, your boss and co-workers will have more respect for you. At work, it can mean getting a promotion, being assigned new and interesting challenges, or maybe even a raise. When your boss sees your capability to take control, handle crises, remain calm, and maintain poise, he will begin to see you in a completely new light.

 

Standing up for yourself makes a huge difference in the way people look at you and in how they treat you, especially at the office. It may be true that you cannot please everyone with your newly acquired skill. The ones who will not like the new you are probably the ones who used to push you around and took advantage of you at every turn. Do not worry; they will get over it.

 

Stop depriving yourself of the respect due to you. Be assertive and earn other people’s respect. Be in control of your life and feel more self-confident.

 

Your life will never be the same again.

 

Q: If others do get angry with me, how do I handle it? What if I fall apart?

 

A: If you use these new skills appropriately, things will change, situations will improve and yes, you will earn the ire of some people. As previously pointed out, those who will get angry are probably the ones who used to mistreat you.

 

However, you are improving your own life and protecting your rights. They are upset because they can no longer push you around, infringe on your personal rights, and pass on to you the jobs they do not wish to do.

 

That is why they are angry. Bear in mind that you are not responsible for their feelings. They will have to deal with their feelings. It is now their problem, not yours.

 

Q: Are my friends going to get mad when I start telling them “no” all the time?

 

A: They would be more upset to know that you have been saying “yes” to everyone, when you really mean to say “no”. Agreeing to things that you really do not want to do will make you feel resentful towards that person.

 

You hate feeling that way towards friends, right? It is almost as if you have been lying to them.

 

Being assertive and saying “no” is a more honest approach, don’t you think? Or would you rather risk destroying their love and respect just because you cannot say “no”?

 

Q: What about saying “no” at work; won’t that get me in trouble?

 

A: By agreeing to everything that everyone wants you to do at work, you will find that you simply cannot keep up with all the work. There are just so many hours in a day. If you say “yes” to everything, you are cheating yourself and the others who are depending on you to finish what you said you would do.

 

Doing shoddy work is not going to impress anyone. By taking on too much, you would not have the time to do a good job on everything. By limiting the number of jobs you accept, you are actually doing everyone a favor. If you keep the workload down, you can do a great job on your assignments. This is what will impress people. It is better to cut the workload and finish everything well, than to take on too much and finish nothing.

 

Q: What if someone asks me to do something I know I can easily accomplish and yet, I say “no”; will he think that I’m selfish or self-centered?

 

A: Just because you can do something does not mean you have to do it. You can refuse even legitimate requests assertively. Sometimes, you have to put your own needs ahead of others. You cannot please everyone all the time and you do not have to. Bitterness will grow if you let the guilt get to you and make you a ‘yes’ person all the time.

 

Q: If I’m assertive about what I know and what I can do, won’t that make me sound egocentric? Shouldn’t I be more modest?

 

A: Being assertive and let people know you are clever and skilled is not being immodest or egocentric. Sometimes you have to toot your own horn, so to speak, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you do not do it, who will?

Sometimes being modest is not a good thing. It makes you sound like you cannot say anything positive about yourself. It also indicates that you cannot give or receive compliments.

 

Q: If I toot my own horn, as you say, won’t people expect me to be great 100% of the time? What if I screw up?

 

A: Without being assertive and letting others know of your skills and accomplishments, you will miss out many opportunities. Since no one is perfect, you will make mistakes occasionally. Own up to them and learn from them, then move on.

 

Even if you mess up once in a while, you will be respected far more for giving it your best shot than by not trying at all. As Wayne Gretzky, the hockey player said, “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

 

Q: I’m a woman and I’m not sure it’s considered feminine to be assertive all the time. Men can get away with it, but not women. Will men in my office hate me if I try to be assertive in the workplace?

 

A: It is unfortunate that assertive women often have more trouble at work than their male counterparts. However, that should not stop any woman from standing up for herself in the workplace. If you possess the skills necessary for the job and have the experience and the drive, you can assert yourself and get what you want.

 

A woman in a management position may find herself walking in a fine line. She must be assertive in order to do her job, but may be thought of as pushy or unfeminine when she does. Oddly enough, studies done on this topic showed that the criticism came mostly from other women, not the men in the workplace.

 

Someone once said that we should learn to live without the good opinions of others. If your career is important to you, you will have to learn to be assertive and be selective about considering other people’s opinions.

 

As I said in the first part of this series, assertiveness starts with being aware.

If you have read my blog for very long, you know that I am not doing this to get rich off of my readers, I want to help others succeed and do it without having to hit all of the bumps in the road that I have, so when I offer something, it is not very often and it is to help. Like with this offer; a big part of assertiveness is being able to find your voice and speak up. Click Here! for an awesome book on speaking. It is a great one to own, but if not, try to find it in your local library.

Assertiveness in the Work Place

Don’t Confuse Assertiveness with Aggressiveness!

 

“The basic difference between being assertive and aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.” - Sharon Anthony Bower

 

Everyone is extremely busy these days. This disease seems to attack women more frequently, but men can be affected by it too.

 

Assertiveness should not be confused with aggressiveness. A fine line divides these two behaviors. Being aggressive means selfishly pushing for what you want at the expense of other people. In doing so, you generate a host of negative behaviors that make people become angry and vengeful towards you. It may involve hostility, blaming, threats, gossip, and unreasonable demands.

 

Aggressiveness may allow you to achieve your immediate objective, but it also guarantees that you will not have what you want the next time.

 

On the other hand, assertiveness means standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others. Being assertive means appropriate expression of your feelings, needs, and opinions while respecting the feelings of others. It is communicating what you really want in a clear way while ensuring that you are not being taken advantage of.

 

Let us say your boss asks you to do a special favor for him. Now here is the problem: that little favor is beyond your job description. In fact, it is within the scope of his duty as the Boss. Now you have a dilemma.

 

Do you say “no” because it is not your responsibility to do his job, thereby runs the risk of incurring his ire? Or do you say yes just to avoid making him angry? After all, you need this job desperately considering the mountains of bills that you have to pay monthly; thus, you really can’t afford to make him angry.

 

On the other hand, you know very well that if you do his job the first time, it is most likely that he will be asking you to do things that he should be doing himself. This will eventually develop into a pattern. You do it this time and he will just keep on turning over his responsibilities to you.

 

Before you knew it, a habit is formed and you are stuck. If previously you gave in to some of his requests, saying “no” now would make him mad at you. After all, you have been doing it before, why not do it again this time?

 

So, what is the answer? Be assertive right at the beginning and in all instances until the Boss realizes that you cannot be pushed around. You do not need to get nasty or abusive with him. In fact, you will probably lose your job if you do!

 

Be assertive right at the beginning when he asks you to take over some project that he should be doing. You could tell him, “I’d love to help you out, but I’m just swamped with my own work already. I couldn’t possibly do justice to your project that it rightfully deserves.”

 

Go ahead and check the language used above and you will find out that you have not directly said no to him or embarrassed him, so he cannot be too angry with you. You have acknowledged that his project is worthy of attention, but gently nudged him into remembering that it is his project and that it is his duty to finish it, not yours.

 

What you have done here is set a precedence that he will remember. You did not blindly just say yes to avoid his anger. He is the Boss and would have taken advantage of your skills many times in the future. For example, every time he has a project that he did not want to tackle himself, he will just pass it on to you. Now he knows he cannot just dump his duties on your lap all the time. You may have to repeat this action a couple more times before he gets the message.

 

The same scenario should work with co-workers who try to pass on the jobs they do not want to do. This trick is used mercilessly on newcomers in the office.

 

Newcomers try so hard to please everyone that they get stuck with all the less desirable tasks and find themselves with very little time to accomplish the duties they were actually hired to perform.

 

Why do people continue to say “yes” when they want to say “no”? There are many reasons actually. One reason is that they want people to like them.

 

They are afraid that if they say “no”, they will have no friends at all. They are also afraid that the boss will use their refusal as a ground for insubordination, and thereby dismiss them.

 

One reason why people are continually doing this is that they want to be known as the “go-to” person. They want to develop a good reputation and be known as dependable and can always accomplish the task. It makes them feel wanted, needed, and more valuable to the organization.

 

If you want something accomplished, just take it to these “go-to” persons and consider it already done!

 

It makes them feel good when they feel like you cannot do without them. After all,

if everyone needs them, then their job must be secure, right?

 

Unfortunately, this inability to say “no” can work to your detriment. It causes a build up of stress hormones, such as adrenaline. As a result, your heart will beat faster than its normal pace, your blood pressure rises, and blood vessels become narrow. According to doctors, these conditions can increase your risk of heart attack, stroke, and even cancer. Saying “yes” to others all the time could put you in an early grave!

 

In the early days of man, these stress hormones could literally save lives. During the pre-historic times, people lived in a ‘fight or flight’ world. It is either they hunt or be hunted. Adrenaline saved them from danger.

 

Nowadays, danger is present in the way you eat and in the lifestyle you live. Many become couch potatoes and worry constantly. The stress you experience these days is different but just as deadly.

 

Therefore, the answer is to stop being a doormat and learn to say “no” more often. I can almost hear your gasps and objections to that statement. I anticipate your reactions: “Wait a minute, you do not know the situation I am in” or “You just do not know how to be unemployed”.

 

You might be afraid to say “no”, but sometimes it is necessary. For starters, those people who already like you are not going to stop liking you just because you said “no”. Those who behave in a grumpy manner were like that long before you told them so.

 

Okay, so you mustered all your courage and said “no”, but now you feel guilty for doing so. How do you handle that? You probably feel like you let them down. Guilt is not necessary here; it is a useless emotion.

Stop and think about how you really feel when they ask you to do them a favor. Did you say “yes” then feel resentful about it? If that is the case, now you have a cue that when this situation happens again, say “no” right away. Do not make up excuses that you both know are lies. It will make you guilty for saying something deceitful and wrong.

 

You could tell them that:

 

· You’re right in the middle of some projects and simply don’t have the

time.

· You’d rather tell them “no” than only be able to give it a fraction of your

attention.

· You’re really not the best person for that job.

· Your calendar is full right now and you can’t take on any more tasks.

 

If they surprised you with the request and you do not know what to say, ask them to give you some time to think about it and consult your calendar. Many times, they will ask you without warning, hoping you will just say “yes” right away.]

 

Learn to always give yourself a little wiggle room or flexibility. When you do decide to inform them of your negative decision, say it right off the bat, so they understand they cannot talk you into a “yes”. Being definite about your response at the soonest possible time will make them respect you more and cause fewer hurt feelings later.

 

Somehow, we have been led to believe that it is hurtful to say “no”. You have been taught that you have to be nice to everyone and say “yes” even when you don’t want to. This is especially true for women.

 

Think of it this way: Is the other person’s time more valuable than your own? Is it necessary to bend over backwards to avoid saying “no” and just take in everything at your expense? Think of the consequences. Eventually, you will find yourself gradually building resentment towards the person making the request.

 

Everything he asks you to do becomes another nail in the coffin!

 

It is actually better for you to say “no” to everyone involved and save a working relationship, not to mention your own nerves and stress level. Keep in mind that the more often you say “yes” the more often they will ask you for more favors.

 

Therefore, you should only say “yes” if it is something that you truly would like to do for them. You can say “yes” if it is something that you can conveniently fit into your schedule without causing any wear and tear on your nerves. People are basically good and you would like to help people whenever you can, but so many “yeses” can turn into more than you can handle. You have heard the phrase, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

 

Recognize that there are limits to everyone’s time and energy. The disease to please somehow convinces you that you can fit more in each day than anyone else. You will discover this reality when you realize you do not have time to do more than a shoddy job. You will discover this truth when you begin to feel overwhelmed and realize that your commitments are way past your own personal limits. It is simply better for all involved if you just say “no” at the beginning. By telling them right away, they have a chance to find someone else who can help them.

 

Remember, they have the right to ask a favor, but you also have the right to say “no”. Do not give up your rights just because you want them to like you.

 

They will respect you more if they see you know how to handle things properly and without overtaxing yourself or stressing others out.

 

You may have decided that asserting yourself is a good idea, but do not know how to apply it in scenarios involving confrontations. Confrontation involves getting in the other person’s face and not taking into consideration their feelings.

 

You probably would not want to hurt the other persons’ feelings, right?

 

So what do you do? Many people avoid confrontation altogether, which is not always a good idea. Sometimes, it is easier to approach the person as gently as possible, say what you have to say and get it over with.

 

Approaching the issue with assertion and without anger is always best. This is true even if you feel you are the aggrieved party and need to defend yourself. Many people use this as a last resort when all else failed. It is important to simply lay out the problem, enumerate what you think needs to be resolved, and find a compromise by which everyone gets what they need.

 

One way to bring this about is not to approach confrontation in a heated manner. This needs to be well thought out in advance. Have a plan. You should have everything you feel and want to say planned out in your mind or written down on paper as reference during the discussion. Be prepared and ready to face the consequences when this confrontation is over. It could be the end of your job or a friendship.

 

Again, you have the right to assert yourself. This is your life and your workplace. It should not be a place where you dread going to each day. Everyone needs to have personal standards for how they treat themselves and how others treat them. Boundaries have to be set and maintained even in the workplace. We will discuss more about boundaries later on.

 

Assertiveness, not aggressiveness, is what is essential for you to feel better about yourself and develop better relations with others. It will also help keep the unpleasant or discomfort levels to a minimum, relieve stress, and maybe even move your career forward. Learning to be assertive could even move you into a leadership position one day.

 

Remember, while assertiveness can help you get what you want out of life, aggression will bring about resignation or involuntary compliance on the part of those around you. We are talking about the best-case scenario. The worse case is that they resent you, resist anything you want from them, and maybe show downright hostility to boot. This is not what you want at all. Aggression simply decreases your chances of getting what you really want.

 

Aggression will only bring in fear, threats, and hostility because of manipulation, where you force and coerce people to do it your way. You cannot always make someone give in to what you want. As they say, “You might win the battle, but you will lose the war.”

 

Pushing someone into doing something they do not wish to do may result to grudging compliance at first, but you will not win them over. They may give in just to get you to shut up and go away. You have not won them to your side. With the passive aggressive types, you might even find yourself on the receiving end of an object lesson.

 

True assertiveness means without aggression, guilt, and fear. It is far more effective in the long run and infinitely more satisfying. Winning others to your way of thinking, the legitimate way, is much more fun!

 

Moving from a life of being someone else’s grunt labor to being in charge of your own destiny is learning how to appropriately assertive in any situation.

6 Bad Habits That Can Stifle Your Success

 

Too often, our habits control us and determine whether we succeed or not. It is imperative that we change out our bad habits for good disciplines. To do this, however, we must first identify those habits that are limiting our success.

 

False Limitations

 

Ask a writer for a great idea, and you’ll get a solution that involves words. Ask a designer for a great idea, and you’ll get a solution that involves visuals. Ask a blogger for a great idea, and you’ll get a solution that involves a blog.

 

We’re all a product of our experience. But the limitations we have are self-imposed. They are false limits. Only when you force yourself to look past what you know and feel comfortable with can you come up with the breakthrough ideas you’re looking for.

 

Be open to anything. Step outside your comfort zone. Consider how those in unrelated areas do what they do. What seems impossible today may seem surprisingly doable tomorrow.

 

If you recognize some of these problems in yourself, don’t fret. In fact, rejoice! Knowing what’s holding you back is the first step toward breaking down the barriers of creativity.

 

Lack of confidence

 

A certain level of uncertainly accompanies every creative act. A small measure of self-doubt is healthy.

 

However, you must have confidence in your abilities in order to create and carry out effective solutions to problems.

 

Much of this comes from experience, but confidence also comes from familiarity with how creativity works.

 

When you understand that ideas often seem crazy at first, that failure is just a learning experience, and that nothing is impossible, you are on your way to becoming more confident and more creative.

 

Instead of dividing the world into the possible and impossible, divide it into what you’ve tried and what you haven’t tried. There are a million pathways to success.

 

Information Overwhelm

 

It’s called “analysis paralysis,” the condition of spending so much time thinking about a problem and cramming your brain with so much information that you lose the ability to act.

 

It’s been said that information is to the brain what food is to the body. True enough. But just as you can overeat, you can also over think.

 

Every successful person I’ve ever met has the ability to know when to stop collecting information and start taking action. Many subscribe to the “ready – fire – aim” philosophy of business success, knowing that acting on a good plan today is better than waiting for a perfect plan tomorrow.

 

Fear of failure

 

Most people remember baseball legend Babe Ruth as one of the great hitters of all time, with a career record of 714 home runs.

 

However, he was also a master of the strike out. That’s because he always swung for home runs, not singles or doubles. Ruth either succeeded big or failed spectacularly.

 

No one wants to make mistakes or fail. But if you try too hard to avoid failure, you’ll also avoid success.

 

It has been said that to increase your success rate, you should aim to make more mistakes. In other words, take more chances and you’ll succeed more often.

 

Those few really great ideas you come up with will more than compensate for all the dumb mistakes you make.

 

Two Lines of Thought at Once

 

Like driving a car in first gear and reverse at the same time, it just can’t be done.

Likewise, you shouldn’t try to use different types of thinking at the same time. Just like in the transmission in your car going two directions at once, you’ll strip your mental transmission as well.

 

Creating means generating new ideas, visualizing, looking ahead, considering the possibilities.

 

Evaluating means analyzing and judging, picking apart ideas and sorting them into piles of good and bad, useful and useless.

 

These two types of thinking work together, but not at the same time without causing some issues; one will lock up the other.

 

Most people evaluate too soon and too often, and therefore create less. In order to create more and better ideas, you must separate creation from evaluation, coming up with lots of ideas first, and then judging the worth of each later.

 

Keep your ideas written down somewhere and visit them often. There are times when an idea will give birth to new ideas and even if you end up evaluating an idea as not working for you at that time doesn’t mean that it won’t work later.

 

Other People

 

Even if you have a wide-open mind and the ability to see what’s possible, most people around you will not. They will tell you in various, and often, subtle ways to conform, be sensible, and not rock the boat.

 

It’s like going crabbing on an Alaskan Sea Crab boat. They dump the crabs in a small box hold area that the crabs could get out of, but they don’t because just as soon as one starts to get up, others pull it back down.

 

The same holds true for people. There are those out there who find it easier to pull others down than to work on succeeding themselves.

 

Ignore them. The path to every victory is paved with predictions of failure. And once you have a big win under your belt, all the naysayers will shut their noise and see you for what you are — a creative force to be reckoned with.

 

Success is yours to grab, you just have to want it bad enough to overcome the limiting bad habits that keep you from getting it.

 

 

Just Say NO

Answer this question honestly; is it difficult for you to say “no”?

If your answer is yes, don’t feel bad because you’re not alone.

There are many people who find themselves saying "yes" to things they don't really want to agree to but are afraid that they will appear selfish, mean or rude if they don’t say yes, or in an effort to avoid conflict or hurting another person’s feelings, they will say yes in order to defer conflict.

Saying “no” isn’t always easy, but it IS vital in business and personal life to be able to say no when the time comes.

Healthy people have healthy boundaries, and part of having healthy boundaries is to be able to say no to requests, situations or people that you can’t or don’t want to accommodate. Think of “no” as the hinge on the gate that controls who you allow in your boundary lines.

I was raised in an abusive environment where I spent many months at my grandmother’s house where I slept on a couch in the living room and my “dresser” was an old banana box next to my grandmother’s bed. If I ever had money, my grandmother, my uncle, my mother would all take it if they felt they needed it and never even asked, so I grew up with a low sense of self and had no concept of personal space or boundaries.

Though it has taken me many years to learn the art of saying no in order to stay sane, I still have issues with it at times, so don’t beat yourself up if you continue to have issues with it, just keep working on it and know that you will be a better person for it. Others will have more respect for you, you will have more respect for yourself and you won’t find yourself in as many negative situations.

Here are a few techniques/phrases that I have found work for me and hopefully they work for you as well.

#1: Unfortunately, I have a full plate right now…

If you find yourself way too busy to accommodate the person’s request, let them know you’re slammed and that you simply have no time to fit what they’re asking you to do into your schedule.

Many people have issue with this because they have a tendency to justify their time. Just because you have the time doesn’t mean that you have the time to dedicate your full attention. It is better to decline and give more attention to the items already on your plate rather than take on another workload and not be able to give any of them the attention required.

#2: I’ll have to think-about-it

If you’re not sure if you can fit the person’s request in, or if you’re dealing with someone who is super pushy, consider buying yourself a little time to think about what they’re asking of you and to get back to them at a later date on your own terms and not get bullied into something.

 #3: The ol’ boomerang no

Are you in the middle of something else? You can always ask the person to come back later when you have more time to consider their request.

 #4: Give a counter offer

If you can’t or don’t want to agree to the person’s request for whatever reason, but you’d still really like to help them out, consider making a counter offer for a lesser commitment that will work better for you.

One of my soft spots where the homeless that would beg for money. Though there are some out there that are honestly in need of assistance, there are others looking for tax-free cash to supplement their income or fund their addictions.

For those who give a line about needing money for food, I let them know that I don’t have any cash, but would not mind swinging by McDonalds and picking up something for them. If they are truly in need of food, they generally take me up on the offer, but if they immediately shoot me down, it is pretty obvious, the money isn’t going for food.

 #5: Just say No

Sometimes you must be direct and let the person know that what they’re asking of you just doesn’t work for you, and you’ll be surprised how often people will respect a firm, honest and direct no.

And remember that they are coming to you and imposing their wants on you. If you are not wanting to help them out, it is courtesy to give them a reason, but not mandatory. They do not own your time, so a simple no is fine if you do not want to give them a reason.

As you practice declining requests that don’t align with your schedule, values or needs, you’ll find that saying no becomes easier and you’ll have more time for yourself, the commitments you already have and the things that are most important to you.