Communication is Key

“Life is the continuous adjustment of internal relations to external relations”

~ Herbert Spencer

We talked a bit about communication in a previous blog post when we discussed family issues, but here the topic is broader.

In general, communication will help you balance life and work by establishing clear boundaries and expectations with others.

This list includes your manager, your friends, your family and your co-workers.

First and foremost, don’t assume that others know what is going on. Even if your secretary has a copy of your calendar on her computer, she may not have looked at it today.

Spend a few minutes with your assistants, staff or others in the morning to be sure everyone is on the same page.

Make sure everyone knows your schedule for the day, when you will in the office and available and when you might be away at meetings.

If you are leaving for a business trip, be sure you leave critical contact information so you don’t have to fix problems after you return to the office.

If you are an employee and you are expected to perform a certain task, ask questions to be sure you know what has to be done, if there are preferred methods to accomplish the task and when these tasks need to be completed.

Don’t leave things to chance.

If you do, your boss may grab you on your way out at the end of your shift and tell you that you have to stay and finish something.

Communicate!

Exchange information with others and find out how they do things. You may learn a better or faster way to get things done and you can get out the door with fewer hours under your belt.

At home, be sure that everyone knows the schedule, when they need to be home for family events and what is expected of them.

If everyone pitches in and understands their role, no one person will be stuck working at chores or doing homework, instead of having some fun family time together.

With friends, be clear about when you are free and be sure your friends understand that they have a place in your life and are important to you.

Make dates and let them know if these dates are subject to change because of late work hours.

Try to plan events when you don’t have anything really pressing at work, so you won’t be distracted.

You’ll find that you get more enjoyment out of your time with friends.

If you have elder care issues, make sure you communicate often with your family and get any doctor’s appointment or engagement on your calendar if you are expected to transport or help your parent or ailing uncle.

Be sure that everyone understands what is important to you – your values, priorities and the things you are willing to put aside because of more critical issues.

This will help your staff, family and friends to accommodate and change appointments if they see a conflict.

And never forget that communication is a two-way street. Be sure YOU understand the priorities of your boss, your friends, your co-workers, your wife, your mother and your children.

If you understand how others think and feel you can offer to pitch in and help as needed and this is a favor they will gladly repay the next time YOU need help.

Keep lists and information handy to offer if you have to leave work or home quickly and others need to know what has to be done.

Keep copies of your schedule and itineraries handy when you travel, and always let others know where to reach you and when you will be back.

In meetings, use flip charts to capture thoughts and record agreements and team contracts so you don’t waste time trying to figure out what the team decided later on.

If you are in an office job that requires reporting, communicate through email and written reports to be sure everyone knows the schedule, the action items and who is responsible for what tasks.

This will save you time and trouble later.

Whether you are in a meeting at work, talking to a co-worker in a retail store or discussing the family vacation with a family member, practice ‘active listening’. Don’t tune out!

Communication isn’t just talking.

Most of what you’ll learn and use to get things done comes from listening to what others are telling you.

Test for understanding to be sure you actually heard what you thought you heard and interpreted it correctly.

If you possess these skills, you have a significant advantage in personal relationships.

No matter how little time your family has together each day, if you are really talking to each other and listening to each other, you are a world ahead of your neighbors in maintaining balance in your life and in your relationships.

Think about it for just a moment!

Balance is achieved with the focus and attention you place on a particular thing or person.

If a person feels valued and important, if they feel they have your full attention when you are with them, you are well on your way!

Your Balanced Life- Part 3

Keeping the Home Fire Burning

“Work is the meat of life, pleasure the dessert” ~ Bertie Charles Forbes ~

 

We’ve talked about the work environment and some of the considerations there. Now, it’s time to open the Pandora’s Box and talk about your family situation.

Unless you are starting your career fresh, with no history, you probably have a lot of fence mending to do.

Your family and friends may be very discouraged and disappointed that you haven’t found a way to balance your life and spend more time with them.

If this is the case, you need to talk to your family and your friends and tell them what you have in mind. Tell them that you are going to dedicate yourself to achieving balance in your life and ask them for their opinion.

Remember, that you don’t have to take every suggestion anyone gives you, and make clear that you will do what you feel is best in the end, but you want his or her thoughts on the topic.

Listen carefully and be honest with yourself and with your friends and family about what you can expect to achieve.

Don’t promise what you can’t deliver.

If there are going to be issues on which you must compromise, if you will have to look for another job where you will make less money in order to achieve your goals, be sure they understand that sacrifice, as well.

There should be no surprises. Before you start this discussion, put some thoughts of your own on paper and think through what you can achieve, realistically.

Be prepared to talk to your family and friends and have some idea of how you will execute your plan.

You can change this plan and work with your family to adjust it, but you need to go in with SOME plan or you will face a chaotic mix of accusation, opinion and emotion.

Here are some links to get you started. After you look at these links, you may have other questions and ideas. Keep track of these.

Write them down so that you can address all the issues with your boss and your family.

(note: I actually included clickable links in the last post and some jumped off before finishing reading and had trouble getting back on, so I am not including clickables in this post and suggest that you cut and paste into your browser after you have finished reading this post)

The Center for Work and the Family

http://www.centerforworkandfamily.com/

National Institute of Health

http://wflc.od.nih.gov/

Questia Online Library for Work and Family

http://www.questia.com/library/sociology-and-anthropology/relationships-and-the-family/family/work-and-family.jsp?CRID=work_and_family&OFFID=se1&KEY=work_family&LID=14582939

PBS

http://www.pbs.org/workfamily/

Bella Online

http://www.bellaonline.com/site/workandfamily

If you do your homework online, you’ll find many more links that are useful.

There are sites that specifically target stress at work and many other topic-specific sites to help you deal with your job and your family in a way that makes life easier for the ones you love.

When you come up with some ideas to discuss with your family, be sure you preface your discussion by explaining that you want to change your focus and balance.

Tell them that you know that work has been pulling you away and you want to fix that.

Just knowing that you recognize the problem and want to work on it, will make them feel better.

If you have children, talk to your spouse or significant other before you call a family meeting.

Consider how you want to address this with the kids and remember that children will often take what you say very literally so don’t play fast and loose with your language.

Think carefully about what you want to say and the words you will use and only promise them what you can deliver.

Don’t lead them to think you are quitting your job to stay home with them and play all day – unless you’ve just won the lottery, of course!

It is likely that whatever plan you have to regain some balance in your life will take awhile to execute, so don’t promise that everything will be fixed by tomorrow.

You may have to look for, find and train in a new job.

You may have to cut back on expensive purchases and lifestyle.

Be sure everyone is on board before you pull away from the dock! Make sure the children understand how important this to them and to you and what they will get in return.

You may think that is clear, but depending upon their age, it may not be as clear to them as it is to you and your spouse.

As you make your plans for work/life balance, consider these things:

You may be trading long hours for financial stress, if you are going to take a job for less pay. How will that impact the family and your commitment to this process? Can you find ways to offset some of the impact of this financial decision?

If you are not changing jobs, but you are going to manage your schedule in a different way, how will you change your family schedule to accommodate that?

Can you eat dinner a bit later, so you can eat together as a family?

Can you take the children to an early movie to spend time with them before you take that afternoon shift?

If you and your spouse work different shifts to be home with the children, include time in your plan for the two of you to get together. If you have to make a date to do that, don’t be shy about it.

Can you share a cup of coffee in between shifts? Get up a little earlier? Go to bed a little later? Don’t neglect that most important person in your life.

Whatever your schedule is, find some quiet time for yourself, and quiet time with your family without the TV playing in the background. Eat dinner together or play a game. When you go grocery shopping with the children, take a break and go to the back of the store for a cup of coffee and a doughnut. The kids will appreciate the time with you and it will make the shopping more tolerable. Find time to do something as a family at least once a week. Order a pizza so you don’t have to cook and spend the time playing a board game, or taking a hike. 

Pick an activity that everyone likes and just do it! It sounds corny, but even a few minutes of this kind of activity will give you a lot more balance in your life.

Assuming you have done what you need to do to find more time away from work, or to change jobs, you may think you’ve now completed the transition. But, that is far from the truth.

The fact is that balancing work and family – in short balancing your life – can be a constant challenge.

There are lots of distractions and, that extra time you’ve carved out of your work schedule will not do your friends and family much good if you spend it parked in front of the TV or computer, instead of with the ones you love.

To complete your plan, you’ll need to develop two traits: Self-discipline and awareness.

Most of us suffer from the absence of both of these traits, but if you focus on them and on breaking bad habits that distract you and take you away from what you really want to do, you will be much happier.

First, let’s talk about self-discipline. The absence of this trait is what gets you off track. It is what pulls you to the computer casino game instead of out to the back yard to play a game of catch with your son.

It is what makes you put off those chores and tasks – whether they are home or work related – that then spring full-grown at 8:00 p.m. to remind you that you must complete them before morning.

And you spend another evening in the den or office crunching numbers for bills, or finishing that project you put off, instead of tucking your daughter into bed or visiting with your husband over a glass of wine.

When you catch yourself listening to the news anchor while your wife tries, in vain, to tell you about her day, reach for the remote and turn off the TV.

Self-discipline and breaking old habits go hand in hand. If you’ve gotten used to becoming a vegetable when you get home from work, it won’t matter how much extra time you get with your family.

You will simply fritter it away!

Awareness is also important. Become aware of what you are doing, what you are saying and every time you catch yourself taking things for granted, remember that the little time you have with your family and friends is important and pay attention.

Listen to what your friend, spouse or child is saying to you.

Listen to your father when he calls you on the phone and wants to tell you about the fish he caught. And look for the opportunities to grab a special moment during the chaos of your week. Don’t just slide through life.

Make it happen!

There are two other things you may want to consider in your quest for balance at home. These two things will give you more balance and engender better relationships.

And once you’ve laid the groundwork, they will pretty much manage themselves.

The first consideration is: Rules!

Perhaps you are thinking that you hate rules. Most people do, but they are a necessary evil in life.

Think about it! Laws are nothing more than societal rules that keep the wheels greased and running and prevent chaos.

Rules in your work/life balance will give you and your family structure and, if and when the rules are bent or broken, the exceptions must be carefully explained.

Your family and you must know that you mean business and, only when there are extenuating circumstances, are the rules bent or broken.

But, Rules are never ignored!

Rules apply to when and how the family will get together and to things like whether your child can stay out late on a school night or whether they are expected to attend a family birthday party.

They also apply to YOU as they relate to when you’ll come home from work and whether you will attend the Friday night movie with the family or beg off and say you have to work. How often will you make it to the league soccer game or the lacrosse games?

Rules are for everyone.

A good way to establish these rules is to have the family sit down together and develop the list. Everyone can vote and everyone’s opinion counts. Some rules may be very simple and some may be temporary.

But if you have a set of rules printed or typed on your refrigerator, you and your family will feel more confident in your balance and will know better what to expect in a certain situation.

But, don’t expect the family to obey the rules, if you don’t obey them. You have to keep your end of the bargain too!

The second consideration is: Communication!

To keep your life and the life of your family in balance, you need time and attention. But you also need communication.

Even if your job is demanding, you can balance your life better with your family if you make them part of the equation.

Your job and what you do when you are away from home on business should not be a mystery.

If you have to go out of town, tell the family where you are going, when you will be back and why you are going and use telephone, email and text messaging to keep in touch so they don’t feel like you are on another planet.

If you say you are going to call at a certain time, be sure to do so!

Don’t leave them hanging. Leave silly notes or messages to find while you are away and bring home little gifts.

You don’t have to bring anything expensive – some kids get a kick out of the small ketchup bottles that come with your room service order.

That is easy, and inexpensive and it lets them know you are thinking about them.

If you can have dinner together at night, do so and keep the conversation pleasant. Don’t choose dinnertime to bring up bad grades or that boyfriend you can’t stand.

Your kids will not want to have dinner with you, if you do that.

Make the mealtime conversation pleasant, and keep the distractions out of the dining room. No TV, music or other disruptions.

Family meetings are a great way to keep the lines of communication open and, again, everyone’s opinion counts and everyone gets the floor to say what they need to say.

Keep the meetings constructive and informative and talk about whatever is going on in your lives.

A twenty-minute family meeting will give you a chance to touch base and feel connected and, even if you are working long hours, you will not feel like a stranger in your own home.

Agree on how and when you will communicate throughout the day – even when you are not home. Is your child expected to call you and check in when he gets home from football practice?

Create a mail slot or an ‘in box’ for all the notices from school, permission slips and other items. A mailbox for each person in the family is even better, if you have the room.

Then, you can leave little notes for each other to keep in touch, or just to say hello, or ‘I love you’.

I hope that this mini series has given you some ideas on how to get more balance, free up some time, and remove some stress from your life.

My goal is to provide you with guides that can help you go from surviving to thriving.

If you could please let me know in the comments box, I was wondering, do you prefer the longer posts or the shorter format that I have been using?

Also, I was toying around with maybe moving to the next step and moving to a podcast or Vlog format, would that be something that you would be interested in? Let me know below and as always, here's to your success.

Easily Create Email Marketing Campaigns

How do you develop an effective email marketing campaign?

 

What you send to your customers is very important. If it isn’t well designed or professional looking the results could be damaging to your business instead of beneficial.

 

The first part of the email marketing campaign needs to include your goals.

 

What do you expect to achieve from your email marketing campaign?

 

Who do you want to reach?

 

You should also decide what type of marketing you are going to do. Will it be random discounts and promotions, seasonal, or will you be sending a regular newsletter?

 

Next you will need to do some research. Do you know the email marketing laws? What are the current market trends? How are you going to make your email marketing campaign more appealing than that of the competition? You have to have these goals clearly defined and outlined. Otherwise your will just spin your wheels while developing your email marketing campaign.

 

Since the goals of every business are very different, the strategies they use in email marketing will also be very different. While this gives each business the ability to be creative a unique in developing their marketing campaign, it also makes it difficult because there are no clear-cut, cookie cutter answers.

 

If you aren’t skilled in developing email marketing campaigns you may need to purchase some type of email marketing software or hire an email-marketing consultant.

 

How well do you know your customer? I hope well because this is a very important part of developing an effective email marketing campaign. You have to be able to address your key audience by providing them with relevant information. If they aren’t interested in what you have to say then it doesn’t matter how many emails you manage to send out.

 

Dot Your I’s and Cross Your T’s

 

Once you have decided on your email marketing campaign you may think you are ready to hit the send button, but hold on just a little bit longer. Make sure everything in the email is spelled correctly and grammatically correct. Nothing looks more unprofessional than an email marketing campaign will errors.

 

They will stick out like a sore thumb. Remember to test the effectiveness of the email on the various email service providers as they all have variations. You will be disappointed to discover that subscribers to a particular service weren’t able to open your email for it to read properly.

 

Subject Lines Are the Beginning of the Email

 

Make sure the subject line of your email is clear and effective. This will help your email marketing campaign to get past the various spam filters and virus protectors. Many researchers of email marketing believe the subject line will make or break the reader’s decision to open your email. Make sure you personalize the email and address it to the consumer rather than a broad introduction. You will want to attach a clear expiration date to your email marketing promotion. Nothing motivates the consumer than having a deadline. They don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to take advantage of what you are offering.

 

Email marketing is a great opportunity for you to communicate with your customers and to promote your business. It is very important that you take the time to set your goals and to know the market before you develop your email marketing campaign.

 

This will ensure it is successful. While you want your email marketing strategy to be unique and creative you need to keep the wants and needs of the customer in mind. You can choose to develop your email marketing strategy on your own, using software, or by hiring a consultant. Getting your email to the consumer is only half of the battle.

 

As always, here’s to your success and to building your legacy.

Assertiveness Q and A

First, if you missed this series, go back and check out the other posts on this topic and the Q and A will be more pertinent to you. Just click here for the first of the series.

Here are just a few Q and A discussions on the topic of assertiveness. Again, there is no quick fix, one side fits all ability to go from being used and abused to being assertive without being pushy and obnoxious, but hopefully you see the importance of being more assertive in order to be successful and keep moving forward.

 

Q: What if I do become more assertive and I use what I have learned in my relationships, in my office work, or with friends; I even learned to say “no”. What if people get angry with me?

 

A: People who are truly your friends are not going to get mad at you. Real friends want you to learn and grow as a person. They will probably be happy for you now that you have learned to stop being a doormat. True friends want the best for you; in fact, they may have been secretly worried about you being such a pushover.

 

As for your spouse, if your partner truly loves you and wants the best for you, he/she will rejoice that you are learning to be more assertive and growing as a person. Your spouse’s own life will be enriched by your experience. You will be more self-confident and happy, thereby making both of your lives better.

 

If you apply these skills to your job, your boss and co-workers will have more respect for you. At work, it can mean getting a promotion, being assigned new and interesting challenges, or maybe even a raise. When your boss sees your capability to take control, handle crises, remain calm, and maintain poise, he will begin to see you in a completely new light.

 

Standing up for yourself makes a huge difference in the way people look at you and in how they treat you, especially at the office. It may be true that you cannot please everyone with your newly acquired skill. The ones who will not like the new you are probably the ones who used to push you around and took advantage of you at every turn. Do not worry; they will get over it.

 

Stop depriving yourself of the respect due to you. Be assertive and earn other people’s respect. Be in control of your life and feel more self-confident.

 

Your life will never be the same again.

 

Q: If others do get angry with me, how do I handle it? What if I fall apart?

 

A: If you use these new skills appropriately, things will change, situations will improve and yes, you will earn the ire of some people. As previously pointed out, those who will get angry are probably the ones who used to mistreat you.

 

However, you are improving your own life and protecting your rights. They are upset because they can no longer push you around, infringe on your personal rights, and pass on to you the jobs they do not wish to do.

 

That is why they are angry. Bear in mind that you are not responsible for their feelings. They will have to deal with their feelings. It is now their problem, not yours.

 

Q: Are my friends going to get mad when I start telling them “no” all the time?

 

A: They would be more upset to know that you have been saying “yes” to everyone, when you really mean to say “no”. Agreeing to things that you really do not want to do will make you feel resentful towards that person.

 

You hate feeling that way towards friends, right? It is almost as if you have been lying to them.

 

Being assertive and saying “no” is a more honest approach, don’t you think? Or would you rather risk destroying their love and respect just because you cannot say “no”?

 

Q: What about saying “no” at work; won’t that get me in trouble?

 

A: By agreeing to everything that everyone wants you to do at work, you will find that you simply cannot keep up with all the work. There are just so many hours in a day. If you say “yes” to everything, you are cheating yourself and the others who are depending on you to finish what you said you would do.

 

Doing shoddy work is not going to impress anyone. By taking on too much, you would not have the time to do a good job on everything. By limiting the number of jobs you accept, you are actually doing everyone a favor. If you keep the workload down, you can do a great job on your assignments. This is what will impress people. It is better to cut the workload and finish everything well, than to take on too much and finish nothing.

 

Q: What if someone asks me to do something I know I can easily accomplish and yet, I say “no”; will he think that I’m selfish or self-centered?

 

A: Just because you can do something does not mean you have to do it. You can refuse even legitimate requests assertively. Sometimes, you have to put your own needs ahead of others. You cannot please everyone all the time and you do not have to. Bitterness will grow if you let the guilt get to you and make you a ‘yes’ person all the time.

 

Q: If I’m assertive about what I know and what I can do, won’t that make me sound egocentric? Shouldn’t I be more modest?

 

A: Being assertive and let people know you are clever and skilled is not being immodest or egocentric. Sometimes you have to toot your own horn, so to speak, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you do not do it, who will?

Sometimes being modest is not a good thing. It makes you sound like you cannot say anything positive about yourself. It also indicates that you cannot give or receive compliments.

 

Q: If I toot my own horn, as you say, won’t people expect me to be great 100% of the time? What if I screw up?

 

A: Without being assertive and letting others know of your skills and accomplishments, you will miss out many opportunities. Since no one is perfect, you will make mistakes occasionally. Own up to them and learn from them, then move on.

 

Even if you mess up once in a while, you will be respected far more for giving it your best shot than by not trying at all. As Wayne Gretzky, the hockey player said, “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

 

Q: I’m a woman and I’m not sure it’s considered feminine to be assertive all the time. Men can get away with it, but not women. Will men in my office hate me if I try to be assertive in the workplace?

 

A: It is unfortunate that assertive women often have more trouble at work than their male counterparts. However, that should not stop any woman from standing up for herself in the workplace. If you possess the skills necessary for the job and have the experience and the drive, you can assert yourself and get what you want.

 

A woman in a management position may find herself walking in a fine line. She must be assertive in order to do her job, but may be thought of as pushy or unfeminine when she does. Oddly enough, studies done on this topic showed that the criticism came mostly from other women, not the men in the workplace.

 

Someone once said that we should learn to live without the good opinions of others. If your career is important to you, you will have to learn to be assertive and be selective about considering other people’s opinions.

 

As I said in the first part of this series, assertiveness starts with being aware.

If you have read my blog for very long, you know that I am not doing this to get rich off of my readers, I want to help others succeed and do it without having to hit all of the bumps in the road that I have, so when I offer something, it is not very often and it is to help. Like with this offer; a big part of assertiveness is being able to find your voice and speak up. Click Here! for an awesome book on speaking. It is a great one to own, but if not, try to find it in your local library.

Assertiveness in the Work Place

Don’t Confuse Assertiveness with Aggressiveness!

 

“The basic difference between being assertive and aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.” - Sharon Anthony Bower

 

Everyone is extremely busy these days. This disease seems to attack women more frequently, but men can be affected by it too.

 

Assertiveness should not be confused with aggressiveness. A fine line divides these two behaviors. Being aggressive means selfishly pushing for what you want at the expense of other people. In doing so, you generate a host of negative behaviors that make people become angry and vengeful towards you. It may involve hostility, blaming, threats, gossip, and unreasonable demands.

 

Aggressiveness may allow you to achieve your immediate objective, but it also guarantees that you will not have what you want the next time.

 

On the other hand, assertiveness means standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others. Being assertive means appropriate expression of your feelings, needs, and opinions while respecting the feelings of others. It is communicating what you really want in a clear way while ensuring that you are not being taken advantage of.

 

Let us say your boss asks you to do a special favor for him. Now here is the problem: that little favor is beyond your job description. In fact, it is within the scope of his duty as the Boss. Now you have a dilemma.

 

Do you say “no” because it is not your responsibility to do his job, thereby runs the risk of incurring his ire? Or do you say yes just to avoid making him angry? After all, you need this job desperately considering the mountains of bills that you have to pay monthly; thus, you really can’t afford to make him angry.

 

On the other hand, you know very well that if you do his job the first time, it is most likely that he will be asking you to do things that he should be doing himself. This will eventually develop into a pattern. You do it this time and he will just keep on turning over his responsibilities to you.

 

Before you knew it, a habit is formed and you are stuck. If previously you gave in to some of his requests, saying “no” now would make him mad at you. After all, you have been doing it before, why not do it again this time?

 

So, what is the answer? Be assertive right at the beginning and in all instances until the Boss realizes that you cannot be pushed around. You do not need to get nasty or abusive with him. In fact, you will probably lose your job if you do!

 

Be assertive right at the beginning when he asks you to take over some project that he should be doing. You could tell him, “I’d love to help you out, but I’m just swamped with my own work already. I couldn’t possibly do justice to your project that it rightfully deserves.”

 

Go ahead and check the language used above and you will find out that you have not directly said no to him or embarrassed him, so he cannot be too angry with you. You have acknowledged that his project is worthy of attention, but gently nudged him into remembering that it is his project and that it is his duty to finish it, not yours.

 

What you have done here is set a precedence that he will remember. You did not blindly just say yes to avoid his anger. He is the Boss and would have taken advantage of your skills many times in the future. For example, every time he has a project that he did not want to tackle himself, he will just pass it on to you. Now he knows he cannot just dump his duties on your lap all the time. You may have to repeat this action a couple more times before he gets the message.

 

The same scenario should work with co-workers who try to pass on the jobs they do not want to do. This trick is used mercilessly on newcomers in the office.

 

Newcomers try so hard to please everyone that they get stuck with all the less desirable tasks and find themselves with very little time to accomplish the duties they were actually hired to perform.

 

Why do people continue to say “yes” when they want to say “no”? There are many reasons actually. One reason is that they want people to like them.

 

They are afraid that if they say “no”, they will have no friends at all. They are also afraid that the boss will use their refusal as a ground for insubordination, and thereby dismiss them.

 

One reason why people are continually doing this is that they want to be known as the “go-to” person. They want to develop a good reputation and be known as dependable and can always accomplish the task. It makes them feel wanted, needed, and more valuable to the organization.

 

If you want something accomplished, just take it to these “go-to” persons and consider it already done!

 

It makes them feel good when they feel like you cannot do without them. After all,

if everyone needs them, then their job must be secure, right?

 

Unfortunately, this inability to say “no” can work to your detriment. It causes a build up of stress hormones, such as adrenaline. As a result, your heart will beat faster than its normal pace, your blood pressure rises, and blood vessels become narrow. According to doctors, these conditions can increase your risk of heart attack, stroke, and even cancer. Saying “yes” to others all the time could put you in an early grave!

 

In the early days of man, these stress hormones could literally save lives. During the pre-historic times, people lived in a ‘fight or flight’ world. It is either they hunt or be hunted. Adrenaline saved them from danger.

 

Nowadays, danger is present in the way you eat and in the lifestyle you live. Many become couch potatoes and worry constantly. The stress you experience these days is different but just as deadly.

 

Therefore, the answer is to stop being a doormat and learn to say “no” more often. I can almost hear your gasps and objections to that statement. I anticipate your reactions: “Wait a minute, you do not know the situation I am in” or “You just do not know how to be unemployed”.

 

You might be afraid to say “no”, but sometimes it is necessary. For starters, those people who already like you are not going to stop liking you just because you said “no”. Those who behave in a grumpy manner were like that long before you told them so.

 

Okay, so you mustered all your courage and said “no”, but now you feel guilty for doing so. How do you handle that? You probably feel like you let them down. Guilt is not necessary here; it is a useless emotion.

Stop and think about how you really feel when they ask you to do them a favor. Did you say “yes” then feel resentful about it? If that is the case, now you have a cue that when this situation happens again, say “no” right away. Do not make up excuses that you both know are lies. It will make you guilty for saying something deceitful and wrong.

 

You could tell them that:

 

· You’re right in the middle of some projects and simply don’t have the

time.

· You’d rather tell them “no” than only be able to give it a fraction of your

attention.

· You’re really not the best person for that job.

· Your calendar is full right now and you can’t take on any more tasks.

 

If they surprised you with the request and you do not know what to say, ask them to give you some time to think about it and consult your calendar. Many times, they will ask you without warning, hoping you will just say “yes” right away.]

 

Learn to always give yourself a little wiggle room or flexibility. When you do decide to inform them of your negative decision, say it right off the bat, so they understand they cannot talk you into a “yes”. Being definite about your response at the soonest possible time will make them respect you more and cause fewer hurt feelings later.

 

Somehow, we have been led to believe that it is hurtful to say “no”. You have been taught that you have to be nice to everyone and say “yes” even when you don’t want to. This is especially true for women.

 

Think of it this way: Is the other person’s time more valuable than your own? Is it necessary to bend over backwards to avoid saying “no” and just take in everything at your expense? Think of the consequences. Eventually, you will find yourself gradually building resentment towards the person making the request.

 

Everything he asks you to do becomes another nail in the coffin!

 

It is actually better for you to say “no” to everyone involved and save a working relationship, not to mention your own nerves and stress level. Keep in mind that the more often you say “yes” the more often they will ask you for more favors.

 

Therefore, you should only say “yes” if it is something that you truly would like to do for them. You can say “yes” if it is something that you can conveniently fit into your schedule without causing any wear and tear on your nerves. People are basically good and you would like to help people whenever you can, but so many “yeses” can turn into more than you can handle. You have heard the phrase, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

 

Recognize that there are limits to everyone’s time and energy. The disease to please somehow convinces you that you can fit more in each day than anyone else. You will discover this reality when you realize you do not have time to do more than a shoddy job. You will discover this truth when you begin to feel overwhelmed and realize that your commitments are way past your own personal limits. It is simply better for all involved if you just say “no” at the beginning. By telling them right away, they have a chance to find someone else who can help them.

 

Remember, they have the right to ask a favor, but you also have the right to say “no”. Do not give up your rights just because you want them to like you.

 

They will respect you more if they see you know how to handle things properly and without overtaxing yourself or stressing others out.

 

You may have decided that asserting yourself is a good idea, but do not know how to apply it in scenarios involving confrontations. Confrontation involves getting in the other person’s face and not taking into consideration their feelings.

 

You probably would not want to hurt the other persons’ feelings, right?

 

So what do you do? Many people avoid confrontation altogether, which is not always a good idea. Sometimes, it is easier to approach the person as gently as possible, say what you have to say and get it over with.

 

Approaching the issue with assertion and without anger is always best. This is true even if you feel you are the aggrieved party and need to defend yourself. Many people use this as a last resort when all else failed. It is important to simply lay out the problem, enumerate what you think needs to be resolved, and find a compromise by which everyone gets what they need.

 

One way to bring this about is not to approach confrontation in a heated manner. This needs to be well thought out in advance. Have a plan. You should have everything you feel and want to say planned out in your mind or written down on paper as reference during the discussion. Be prepared and ready to face the consequences when this confrontation is over. It could be the end of your job or a friendship.

 

Again, you have the right to assert yourself. This is your life and your workplace. It should not be a place where you dread going to each day. Everyone needs to have personal standards for how they treat themselves and how others treat them. Boundaries have to be set and maintained even in the workplace. We will discuss more about boundaries later on.

 

Assertiveness, not aggressiveness, is what is essential for you to feel better about yourself and develop better relations with others. It will also help keep the unpleasant or discomfort levels to a minimum, relieve stress, and maybe even move your career forward. Learning to be assertive could even move you into a leadership position one day.

 

Remember, while assertiveness can help you get what you want out of life, aggression will bring about resignation or involuntary compliance on the part of those around you. We are talking about the best-case scenario. The worse case is that they resent you, resist anything you want from them, and maybe show downright hostility to boot. This is not what you want at all. Aggression simply decreases your chances of getting what you really want.

 

Aggression will only bring in fear, threats, and hostility because of manipulation, where you force and coerce people to do it your way. You cannot always make someone give in to what you want. As they say, “You might win the battle, but you will lose the war.”

 

Pushing someone into doing something they do not wish to do may result to grudging compliance at first, but you will not win them over. They may give in just to get you to shut up and go away. You have not won them to your side. With the passive aggressive types, you might even find yourself on the receiving end of an object lesson.

 

True assertiveness means without aggression, guilt, and fear. It is far more effective in the long run and infinitely more satisfying. Winning others to your way of thinking, the legitimate way, is much more fun!

 

Moving from a life of being someone else’s grunt labor to being in charge of your own destiny is learning how to appropriately assertive in any situation.

Assertiveness at Home:

Teach People How to Treat You!

 

Assertiveness has its place at home, as well as, in any other place. In fact, this is the training grounds for your new assertive self because people are more likely to let you know if you are going to far. Better an upset family member that you can make up with than a boss who could fire you.

 

Wherever humans gather, there will always be a need for well-placed assertiveness. Just as there is a need for boundaries in the workplace, so there is also a need for boundaries at home.

 

A boundary is a line that you draw between yourself and others; this includes even loved ones. It is a line that represents physical and emotional limits. You draw the line to indicate that going beyond that means a violation of your standards and rights. It may sound strange to think of boundaries between family members, but it is essential for a healthy and happy family.

 

All members need to know their limits when dealing with you and that same boundary protects them too. Setting boundaries can make you feel safe and make others feel safe, too. Everyone would know what to expect and have information about wants and needs of everyone.

 

Stop and think about the times you felt uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or betrayed. Those dark emotions indicate that your boundaries were somehow crossed. This clearly shows the need for everyone to have those boundaries.

 

Boundaries ensure that your rights are protected. You have the right to enjoy positive and satisfying relationships. This type of relationship allows you to express yourself honestly and tell others how you wish to be treated.

 

I think you would be surprised to know that many couples simply do not know how to treat each other because they do not know what they want. If you want your spouse to treat you with consideration and respect, you have to tell him/her. It seems so obvious and simple. Your spouse would not know if you do not tell them. You must teach them how to treat you.

 

There are times when being assertive towards your spouse may seem like an uphill battle. It just feels like he/she is not listening to what you are saying; it seems like he/she is not attentive to your needs. Approaching them in the same old manner may be your problem. It is time to find a new way to say what you need to say.

 

Many men and women approach their spouse with the old passive/aggressive guilt trip starting with negative feelings, feelings of superiority, and blame.

If you start with the blame game, your spouse is going to shut down within thirty seconds. He/she has heard all this before and will tune out as soon as you open your mouth. It is time to try a new tack.

 

Put aside those negative feelings and do not start with a criticism. Try to see things from your spouse’s point of view and find again good things that you love about that person. Appreciate his/her good points and put aside the issues you two fight about.

 

Approach the encounter carefully, keep calm, and most importantly, watch your language. Always remember that ill-chosen words can hurt deeply. Avoid blaming the other person. Try to be supportive of your spouse and for heaven’s sake, admit when you are wrong!

 

Asserting yourself and negotiating does not mean tearing the other person down all for the purpose of proving that you are right and the other party is wrong. Making your spouse feel miserable and unworthy is no way to negotiate your wants and needs. That is not a win-win situation. Instead, look at your spouse’s positive points and boost his/her morale. Abraham Lincoln said, “It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels he’s worthy of himself.”

 

Sometimes, the problem is not your spouse but another member of your family or your spouse’s family. Keep in mind that you are living your own life now with your partner and children as a family. Do not let relatives or in-laws push you around. You will encounter some family members that practically insist on a fight.

 

It is better to politely avoid an argument and simply refuse to be pulled into any form of discussion or confrontation. Keep it simple and try these deflections:

 

· I’m going to bow out of this one, thanks.

· Sorry, I don’t have an opinion on that.

· I truly wish I had something to contribute to this, but I don’t.

· Maybe you could rephrase that, please.

· Leave me out of this.

 

Do not be recklessly assertive and go overboard when dealing with a loved one. When dealing with those you are closest to, learn to be more assertive and less aggressive. Be more confident and less fearful.

 

Learn to be more effective so you will not come off as wishy-washy. Stop being a fence sitter; say what you feel and mean what you say. Demanding to have everything your way will not earn you the respect you desire from your family. Being calmly assertive and fair with everyone will command that respect. It will even encourage them to emulate you.

 

Boundaries must be set and adhered to at all times in order for families to be happy, healthy, and respectful of each other. Asserting your rights within the family is not asking too much and makes for a better relationship. Boundaries would include making sure each member of the family has needed privacy and space. It also has to do with how each member speaks to the others in the family. Negative, insulting, or rude talk is not acceptable.

 

It is unfortunate that some people allow others to decide for them and then become bitter in the end. This is especially true within the framework of a family.

One spouse begins making the decisions for the entire family, without necessarily consulting the other. If you find this to be true in your own household, keep in mind that your partner began making those decisions because you allowed that to happen.

 

Many spouses let their partners have it their own way to maintain the peace in the family. This can absolutely work to your disadvantage. The longer you allow it to continue, the more difficult it becomes to assert yourself, take back your own life, and exercise your decision-making capabilities.

 

This whole dynamics can lead to low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority since you allow others to decide matters for yourself. Their actions are inferring that you are not capable of making your own decisions.

 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If your spouse has begun taking the initiative and is making decisions that you do not agree with, guess whose fault was it?

 

By your inaction, you have taught your partner that it is okay to go over your head and decide what you should have and not have. You have given away your power but you can still get it back. You will find in the last chapter of this report a short assertiveness training manual to help you regain your power of decision.

 

If people in your life are treating you badly, you must figure out things that you are doing which allow them to continue behaving in such a way to you. What is it that makes them feel free to verbally or physically abuse you?

 

Women may find themselves feeling uncomfortable around men who curse or tend to talk about women in unacceptable terms. Men who behave this way have no respect for women. By remaining silent, these women are allowing this behavior to perpetuate.

 

One of the biggest roadblocks to asserting yourself could be the unarticulated desire. Many people want something from someone but are unclear, even in their own minds, on exactly what that “something” is. They make no verbal assertions about their wants and needs, but rather expect others to instinctively know what that mysterious “something” could be.

While we are all about improving ourselves by learning new skills and developing new talents, most of us are simply not capable of reading the minds of others (outside of the amazing Kreskin, that is!). People cannot possibly grant that mysterious “something” to you if they do not have a clue on what it is.

 

Stop waiting for your spouse, kids, boss, co-workers, or friends to magically figure out what you want or need. Assert yourself and tell them clearly what you need.

 

Remember that assertiveness is about getting what you need and protecting your rights, while not stomping on the feelings and rights of others. So, open you mouth and say what you need. If you want to reap the benefits, you must first give it a name. You must articulate whatever it is that you want, need, or desire.

Maybe the simple act of making a decision is what is holding you back.

 

Indecision keeps you from articulating what you need. Indecision causes homeostasis, inaction, and resistance to change. If you do not make a decision, someone will eventually decide for you and you probably would not like the result.

 

Knowing what you really want is essential. In this world, the only thing you will get is exactly what you ask for. What are you asking for?

 

Being more assertive (NOT AGGRESSIVE, PUSHY or RUDE) with those closest to you will give you the ability to move on to creating boundaries and with co-workers, employees, contractors, etc.