Assertiveness Q and A

First, if you missed this series, go back and check out the other posts on this topic and the Q and A will be more pertinent to you. Just click here for the first of the series.

Here are just a few Q and A discussions on the topic of assertiveness. Again, there is no quick fix, one side fits all ability to go from being used and abused to being assertive without being pushy and obnoxious, but hopefully you see the importance of being more assertive in order to be successful and keep moving forward.

 

Q: What if I do become more assertive and I use what I have learned in my relationships, in my office work, or with friends; I even learned to say “no”. What if people get angry with me?

 

A: People who are truly your friends are not going to get mad at you. Real friends want you to learn and grow as a person. They will probably be happy for you now that you have learned to stop being a doormat. True friends want the best for you; in fact, they may have been secretly worried about you being such a pushover.

 

As for your spouse, if your partner truly loves you and wants the best for you, he/she will rejoice that you are learning to be more assertive and growing as a person. Your spouse’s own life will be enriched by your experience. You will be more self-confident and happy, thereby making both of your lives better.

 

If you apply these skills to your job, your boss and co-workers will have more respect for you. At work, it can mean getting a promotion, being assigned new and interesting challenges, or maybe even a raise. When your boss sees your capability to take control, handle crises, remain calm, and maintain poise, he will begin to see you in a completely new light.

 

Standing up for yourself makes a huge difference in the way people look at you and in how they treat you, especially at the office. It may be true that you cannot please everyone with your newly acquired skill. The ones who will not like the new you are probably the ones who used to push you around and took advantage of you at every turn. Do not worry; they will get over it.

 

Stop depriving yourself of the respect due to you. Be assertive and earn other people’s respect. Be in control of your life and feel more self-confident.

 

Your life will never be the same again.

 

Q: If others do get angry with me, how do I handle it? What if I fall apart?

 

A: If you use these new skills appropriately, things will change, situations will improve and yes, you will earn the ire of some people. As previously pointed out, those who will get angry are probably the ones who used to mistreat you.

 

However, you are improving your own life and protecting your rights. They are upset because they can no longer push you around, infringe on your personal rights, and pass on to you the jobs they do not wish to do.

 

That is why they are angry. Bear in mind that you are not responsible for their feelings. They will have to deal with their feelings. It is now their problem, not yours.

 

Q: Are my friends going to get mad when I start telling them “no” all the time?

 

A: They would be more upset to know that you have been saying “yes” to everyone, when you really mean to say “no”. Agreeing to things that you really do not want to do will make you feel resentful towards that person.

 

You hate feeling that way towards friends, right? It is almost as if you have been lying to them.

 

Being assertive and saying “no” is a more honest approach, don’t you think? Or would you rather risk destroying their love and respect just because you cannot say “no”?

 

Q: What about saying “no” at work; won’t that get me in trouble?

 

A: By agreeing to everything that everyone wants you to do at work, you will find that you simply cannot keep up with all the work. There are just so many hours in a day. If you say “yes” to everything, you are cheating yourself and the others who are depending on you to finish what you said you would do.

 

Doing shoddy work is not going to impress anyone. By taking on too much, you would not have the time to do a good job on everything. By limiting the number of jobs you accept, you are actually doing everyone a favor. If you keep the workload down, you can do a great job on your assignments. This is what will impress people. It is better to cut the workload and finish everything well, than to take on too much and finish nothing.

 

Q: What if someone asks me to do something I know I can easily accomplish and yet, I say “no”; will he think that I’m selfish or self-centered?

 

A: Just because you can do something does not mean you have to do it. You can refuse even legitimate requests assertively. Sometimes, you have to put your own needs ahead of others. You cannot please everyone all the time and you do not have to. Bitterness will grow if you let the guilt get to you and make you a ‘yes’ person all the time.

 

Q: If I’m assertive about what I know and what I can do, won’t that make me sound egocentric? Shouldn’t I be more modest?

 

A: Being assertive and let people know you are clever and skilled is not being immodest or egocentric. Sometimes you have to toot your own horn, so to speak, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you do not do it, who will?

Sometimes being modest is not a good thing. It makes you sound like you cannot say anything positive about yourself. It also indicates that you cannot give or receive compliments.

 

Q: If I toot my own horn, as you say, won’t people expect me to be great 100% of the time? What if I screw up?

 

A: Without being assertive and letting others know of your skills and accomplishments, you will miss out many opportunities. Since no one is perfect, you will make mistakes occasionally. Own up to them and learn from them, then move on.

 

Even if you mess up once in a while, you will be respected far more for giving it your best shot than by not trying at all. As Wayne Gretzky, the hockey player said, “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

 

Q: I’m a woman and I’m not sure it’s considered feminine to be assertive all the time. Men can get away with it, but not women. Will men in my office hate me if I try to be assertive in the workplace?

 

A: It is unfortunate that assertive women often have more trouble at work than their male counterparts. However, that should not stop any woman from standing up for herself in the workplace. If you possess the skills necessary for the job and have the experience and the drive, you can assert yourself and get what you want.

 

A woman in a management position may find herself walking in a fine line. She must be assertive in order to do her job, but may be thought of as pushy or unfeminine when she does. Oddly enough, studies done on this topic showed that the criticism came mostly from other women, not the men in the workplace.

 

Someone once said that we should learn to live without the good opinions of others. If your career is important to you, you will have to learn to be assertive and be selective about considering other people’s opinions.

 

As I said in the first part of this series, assertiveness starts with being aware.

If you have read my blog for very long, you know that I am not doing this to get rich off of my readers, I want to help others succeed and do it without having to hit all of the bumps in the road that I have, so when I offer something, it is not very often and it is to help. Like with this offer; a big part of assertiveness is being able to find your voice and speak up. Click Here! for an awesome book on speaking. It is a great one to own, but if not, try to find it in your local library.

Teach Your Children to Be Assertive

Creating a Confident Next Generation

 

“When children are treated with acceptance, they develop self acceptance.”

-         Stephanie Matson

 

Yeah, we covered assertiveness at home and then at work, so you are probably wondering why I am going to teaching children. If you have been following me very long, then you already know this, but in case you are new to my blog, I am a firm believer that you are not truly successful unless you create a legacy of success and a deliberate way of doing that is to pass on your success to the next generation.

 

Teaching the future generations everything that you know, the issues that you have overcome and how you overcame them, gives them an advantage on life, thus giving them a better life.

 

Children experience pressure at home. For sure, they also experience pressure in school. So it is not too early to teach them to be assertive. Keep in mind that teaching them to be assertive is not the same thing as teaching them to be aggressive or obnoxious. It doesn’t necessarily mean teaching them to go on the offensive.

 

Just think of it, our lack of assertiveness started when we were children and continued into our adult lives. The situation is more difficult for the children. They are not yet aware that they have rights, the same as we adults do.

 

Children (and even adults!) need to be taught that:

 

· No one has the right to make them feel guilty, foolish, or ignorant.

 

Though some may try to do just that, your child needs to know that those bullies do not have the right to do such mean things to anyone.

 

They should be ignored and not listened to for the sake of your child’s well being.

 

· They do not need to make excuses to everyone for every little thing they do.

 

Children are accountable only to few people and these are mainly their parents, brothers, sisters, close relatives and immediate family. Of course, they are also accountable to themselves but no one else.

 

· They are allowed to change their minds and not feel bad about it.

 

Sometimes, adults have a change of heart. So why can’t kids have the same? They need to know that it is okay to change their minds.

 

Nothing is carved in stone, especially when it comes to children.

 

· If things go wrong; it is not necessarily their fault.

 

Many children internalize family problems. They take the blame for things they have no control of. In fact, these are things that they should not deal with at all. An example of this is the separation of their parents.

 

· They do not have to know everything. It is okay to say, “I do not know” or “I do not understand”.

 

Adults do not know everything so why should a child know everything?

 

It is important to teach your child not to feel inferior because they do not have the right answers to all questions at once. Children often feel this way in the early years of school. They need to be reminded that their lack of knowledge is the primary reason why they have to study in school!

 

· Making a mistake is not the end of the world.

 

There is nothing wrong about committing mistakes. They need to know that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. They should just admit the mistake and correct it, if possible. Mistakes are mechanisms that facilitate learning.

 

· They do not have to be everybody’s friend.

 

Not everyone is going to like them, but that is okay. Many children feel that there is something wrong with them if they have few friends in school. This is one of the basic lessons for children. They are going to meet other kids who will not like them. It is the same in the adult world, isn’t it?

 

· If they do not understand something, it is okay to say, “I don’t get it.”

 

Children feel bad if they do not get it. They think that they are inferior and there is something wrong with them. Not everybody gets it, but it is okay. Life still goes on.

 

· They do not have to prove themselves to everyone they meet.

 

Children need to be taught that they do not have to prove anything to others. It is okay just to be themselves. Having to prove something to everyone is exhausting and will sap the self-confidence you are trying to build in your child.

 

· They do not have to be perfect.

 

Perfection is not possible anyway. They should just be themselves. It is unfair to expect perfection from your child, when you cannot attain it yourself.

 

The biggest obstacle to your children’s personality development might just be their own social skills. Young children have social and communication skills to make them feel self-confident. Meeting new kids makes many children nervous.

They are unsure about what to say or how to approach other children and adults.

 

You can prepare them for new social encounters by doing frequent little role-playing activities with them. Help them practice social conversation by pretending to be the new kid. Teach your child how to initiate and sustain conversation with others.

 

Teaching them social skills is the first step to making them more comfortable in just about any given situation. The more comfortable they feel in these situations, the easier they will learn how to be assertive. The better they understand themselves, the more they will know and articulate their needs.

 

As you go about the role-playing activities, you must teach your children how to ask questions and get others to respond. Also, equip them with skills on following up the information they receive. This will teach your kids to become good listeners. This is especially helpful for shy children. This way, you develop children to become good listeners, excellent conversationalists, self confident and assertive individuals.

 

Because of their tender age, frustration easily sets in and children have a tendency to respond with anger. It is imperative to teach your children that anger is not a good tool for asserting themselves. As an adult, you already know that other people react negatively towards anger and aggressiveness. Anger distorts the message the child is trying to deliver, thus resulting to a break down in communication. Just as this is highly ineffective for adults, so it is with children.

 

Credibility is automatically discounted when they display anger. Children are more expressive in communicating anger. Signs of anger may include dragging their feet (passive aggressive), throwing tantrums, breaking toys, or even hitting others. It may be hard to understand, especially for young children, that anger is not an effective tool in building assertiveness.

 

When you are asserting your authority over children, one of the qualities that you should have is persistence. Repetition is another effective way of teaching young toddlers. You repeat over and over what you want from them.

 

Your children can use the same tool to help assert themselves to their peers. Yelling, screaming, and pounding will not get them what they want, but persistence will wear down the opposition.

 

Another useful tool is working out a compromise with others. Everyone wants to feel they won the round. A compromise insures that both sides win and nobody loses. Asserting without denying the rights of the other person can bring about a peaceful solution for everyone.

 

Non-assertive children will be oversensitive to criticisms, especially those expressed by family members. They are also terrified of getting caught making a mistake. They are constantly afraid of being wrong, doing something wrong, or being thought of as stupid. You can also spot non-assertive children because of their lack of persistence. They give up far too easily and do not try after a single failure.

 

Children must be taught to deal with mistakes. They have to know that it is not the end of the world if they make an error. Everybody makes mistakes, so it is okay as long as you admit and try to rectify it. When children are not taught how to cope up with mistakes, they tend to get extremely upset.

 

Learning to deal with one’s own faults and those of others is difficult enough for adults to deal with, let alone children. Let them know it is okay not to be perfect, none of us are. You should not expect them to perform perfectly all the time.

 

Perfection is something none of us can live up to, no matter how hard we try. It is unfair to expect a child to be perfect. Many children spend their whole lives trying to live up to their parents’ unfair expectations, instead of learning to be the best at whatever they choose.

 

As far as criticism is concerned, you should prepare your children in handling them. They will receive criticisms all through out their lives. There will always be somebody around to criticize them. The critics are out there waiting to pounce on them for any imperfection or error.

 

When children learn to relax, just be themselves, filter what others have to say, and learn not to be easily influenced by opinions of others, they will lead a happier and relaxed life. They will grow up and become well-adjusted adults in the future.

 

Keep in mind that the only way you will be able to teach your children how to assert themselves is by learning how to be assertive yourself. As much as you want your children to be assertive and learn to stand up for themselves, you should not become a pushover parent.

 

If you find it hard to say “no” to your children when they are making unreasonable demands, and if you give in repeatedly, you are setting the stage for their demands to grow larger and larger with each passing day. It is up to you as the adult to set the example for your child. No means no, period, end of discussion. You do not need to become a doormat to ensure that your child becomes assertive.

 

Be a good role model for your children. Children learn what they see and experience. If you are assertive and fair, they will learn to become one, too.

 

Always keep in mind what John W. Whitehead said, “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.”

 

Keep on the lookout, there is one more post coming on the topic of assertiveness and success.

Assertiveness in the Work Place

Don’t Confuse Assertiveness with Aggressiveness!

 

“The basic difference between being assertive and aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.” - Sharon Anthony Bower

 

Everyone is extremely busy these days. This disease seems to attack women more frequently, but men can be affected by it too.

 

Assertiveness should not be confused with aggressiveness. A fine line divides these two behaviors. Being aggressive means selfishly pushing for what you want at the expense of other people. In doing so, you generate a host of negative behaviors that make people become angry and vengeful towards you. It may involve hostility, blaming, threats, gossip, and unreasonable demands.

 

Aggressiveness may allow you to achieve your immediate objective, but it also guarantees that you will not have what you want the next time.

 

On the other hand, assertiveness means standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others. Being assertive means appropriate expression of your feelings, needs, and opinions while respecting the feelings of others. It is communicating what you really want in a clear way while ensuring that you are not being taken advantage of.

 

Let us say your boss asks you to do a special favor for him. Now here is the problem: that little favor is beyond your job description. In fact, it is within the scope of his duty as the Boss. Now you have a dilemma.

 

Do you say “no” because it is not your responsibility to do his job, thereby runs the risk of incurring his ire? Or do you say yes just to avoid making him angry? After all, you need this job desperately considering the mountains of bills that you have to pay monthly; thus, you really can’t afford to make him angry.

 

On the other hand, you know very well that if you do his job the first time, it is most likely that he will be asking you to do things that he should be doing himself. This will eventually develop into a pattern. You do it this time and he will just keep on turning over his responsibilities to you.

 

Before you knew it, a habit is formed and you are stuck. If previously you gave in to some of his requests, saying “no” now would make him mad at you. After all, you have been doing it before, why not do it again this time?

 

So, what is the answer? Be assertive right at the beginning and in all instances until the Boss realizes that you cannot be pushed around. You do not need to get nasty or abusive with him. In fact, you will probably lose your job if you do!

 

Be assertive right at the beginning when he asks you to take over some project that he should be doing. You could tell him, “I’d love to help you out, but I’m just swamped with my own work already. I couldn’t possibly do justice to your project that it rightfully deserves.”

 

Go ahead and check the language used above and you will find out that you have not directly said no to him or embarrassed him, so he cannot be too angry with you. You have acknowledged that his project is worthy of attention, but gently nudged him into remembering that it is his project and that it is his duty to finish it, not yours.

 

What you have done here is set a precedence that he will remember. You did not blindly just say yes to avoid his anger. He is the Boss and would have taken advantage of your skills many times in the future. For example, every time he has a project that he did not want to tackle himself, he will just pass it on to you. Now he knows he cannot just dump his duties on your lap all the time. You may have to repeat this action a couple more times before he gets the message.

 

The same scenario should work with co-workers who try to pass on the jobs they do not want to do. This trick is used mercilessly on newcomers in the office.

 

Newcomers try so hard to please everyone that they get stuck with all the less desirable tasks and find themselves with very little time to accomplish the duties they were actually hired to perform.

 

Why do people continue to say “yes” when they want to say “no”? There are many reasons actually. One reason is that they want people to like them.

 

They are afraid that if they say “no”, they will have no friends at all. They are also afraid that the boss will use their refusal as a ground for insubordination, and thereby dismiss them.

 

One reason why people are continually doing this is that they want to be known as the “go-to” person. They want to develop a good reputation and be known as dependable and can always accomplish the task. It makes them feel wanted, needed, and more valuable to the organization.

 

If you want something accomplished, just take it to these “go-to” persons and consider it already done!

 

It makes them feel good when they feel like you cannot do without them. After all,

if everyone needs them, then their job must be secure, right?

 

Unfortunately, this inability to say “no” can work to your detriment. It causes a build up of stress hormones, such as adrenaline. As a result, your heart will beat faster than its normal pace, your blood pressure rises, and blood vessels become narrow. According to doctors, these conditions can increase your risk of heart attack, stroke, and even cancer. Saying “yes” to others all the time could put you in an early grave!

 

In the early days of man, these stress hormones could literally save lives. During the pre-historic times, people lived in a ‘fight or flight’ world. It is either they hunt or be hunted. Adrenaline saved them from danger.

 

Nowadays, danger is present in the way you eat and in the lifestyle you live. Many become couch potatoes and worry constantly. The stress you experience these days is different but just as deadly.

 

Therefore, the answer is to stop being a doormat and learn to say “no” more often. I can almost hear your gasps and objections to that statement. I anticipate your reactions: “Wait a minute, you do not know the situation I am in” or “You just do not know how to be unemployed”.

 

You might be afraid to say “no”, but sometimes it is necessary. For starters, those people who already like you are not going to stop liking you just because you said “no”. Those who behave in a grumpy manner were like that long before you told them so.

 

Okay, so you mustered all your courage and said “no”, but now you feel guilty for doing so. How do you handle that? You probably feel like you let them down. Guilt is not necessary here; it is a useless emotion.

Stop and think about how you really feel when they ask you to do them a favor. Did you say “yes” then feel resentful about it? If that is the case, now you have a cue that when this situation happens again, say “no” right away. Do not make up excuses that you both know are lies. It will make you guilty for saying something deceitful and wrong.

 

You could tell them that:

 

· You’re right in the middle of some projects and simply don’t have the

time.

· You’d rather tell them “no” than only be able to give it a fraction of your

attention.

· You’re really not the best person for that job.

· Your calendar is full right now and you can’t take on any more tasks.

 

If they surprised you with the request and you do not know what to say, ask them to give you some time to think about it and consult your calendar. Many times, they will ask you without warning, hoping you will just say “yes” right away.]

 

Learn to always give yourself a little wiggle room or flexibility. When you do decide to inform them of your negative decision, say it right off the bat, so they understand they cannot talk you into a “yes”. Being definite about your response at the soonest possible time will make them respect you more and cause fewer hurt feelings later.

 

Somehow, we have been led to believe that it is hurtful to say “no”. You have been taught that you have to be nice to everyone and say “yes” even when you don’t want to. This is especially true for women.

 

Think of it this way: Is the other person’s time more valuable than your own? Is it necessary to bend over backwards to avoid saying “no” and just take in everything at your expense? Think of the consequences. Eventually, you will find yourself gradually building resentment towards the person making the request.

 

Everything he asks you to do becomes another nail in the coffin!

 

It is actually better for you to say “no” to everyone involved and save a working relationship, not to mention your own nerves and stress level. Keep in mind that the more often you say “yes” the more often they will ask you for more favors.

 

Therefore, you should only say “yes” if it is something that you truly would like to do for them. You can say “yes” if it is something that you can conveniently fit into your schedule without causing any wear and tear on your nerves. People are basically good and you would like to help people whenever you can, but so many “yeses” can turn into more than you can handle. You have heard the phrase, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

 

Recognize that there are limits to everyone’s time and energy. The disease to please somehow convinces you that you can fit more in each day than anyone else. You will discover this reality when you realize you do not have time to do more than a shoddy job. You will discover this truth when you begin to feel overwhelmed and realize that your commitments are way past your own personal limits. It is simply better for all involved if you just say “no” at the beginning. By telling them right away, they have a chance to find someone else who can help them.

 

Remember, they have the right to ask a favor, but you also have the right to say “no”. Do not give up your rights just because you want them to like you.

 

They will respect you more if they see you know how to handle things properly and without overtaxing yourself or stressing others out.

 

You may have decided that asserting yourself is a good idea, but do not know how to apply it in scenarios involving confrontations. Confrontation involves getting in the other person’s face and not taking into consideration their feelings.

 

You probably would not want to hurt the other persons’ feelings, right?

 

So what do you do? Many people avoid confrontation altogether, which is not always a good idea. Sometimes, it is easier to approach the person as gently as possible, say what you have to say and get it over with.

 

Approaching the issue with assertion and without anger is always best. This is true even if you feel you are the aggrieved party and need to defend yourself. Many people use this as a last resort when all else failed. It is important to simply lay out the problem, enumerate what you think needs to be resolved, and find a compromise by which everyone gets what they need.

 

One way to bring this about is not to approach confrontation in a heated manner. This needs to be well thought out in advance. Have a plan. You should have everything you feel and want to say planned out in your mind or written down on paper as reference during the discussion. Be prepared and ready to face the consequences when this confrontation is over. It could be the end of your job or a friendship.

 

Again, you have the right to assert yourself. This is your life and your workplace. It should not be a place where you dread going to each day. Everyone needs to have personal standards for how they treat themselves and how others treat them. Boundaries have to be set and maintained even in the workplace. We will discuss more about boundaries later on.

 

Assertiveness, not aggressiveness, is what is essential for you to feel better about yourself and develop better relations with others. It will also help keep the unpleasant or discomfort levels to a minimum, relieve stress, and maybe even move your career forward. Learning to be assertive could even move you into a leadership position one day.

 

Remember, while assertiveness can help you get what you want out of life, aggression will bring about resignation or involuntary compliance on the part of those around you. We are talking about the best-case scenario. The worse case is that they resent you, resist anything you want from them, and maybe show downright hostility to boot. This is not what you want at all. Aggression simply decreases your chances of getting what you really want.

 

Aggression will only bring in fear, threats, and hostility because of manipulation, where you force and coerce people to do it your way. You cannot always make someone give in to what you want. As they say, “You might win the battle, but you will lose the war.”

 

Pushing someone into doing something they do not wish to do may result to grudging compliance at first, but you will not win them over. They may give in just to get you to shut up and go away. You have not won them to your side. With the passive aggressive types, you might even find yourself on the receiving end of an object lesson.

 

True assertiveness means without aggression, guilt, and fear. It is far more effective in the long run and infinitely more satisfying. Winning others to your way of thinking, the legitimate way, is much more fun!

 

Moving from a life of being someone else’s grunt labor to being in charge of your own destiny is learning how to appropriately assertive in any situation.

Assertiveness at Home:

Teach People How to Treat You!

 

Assertiveness has its place at home, as well as, in any other place. In fact, this is the training grounds for your new assertive self because people are more likely to let you know if you are going to far. Better an upset family member that you can make up with than a boss who could fire you.

 

Wherever humans gather, there will always be a need for well-placed assertiveness. Just as there is a need for boundaries in the workplace, so there is also a need for boundaries at home.

 

A boundary is a line that you draw between yourself and others; this includes even loved ones. It is a line that represents physical and emotional limits. You draw the line to indicate that going beyond that means a violation of your standards and rights. It may sound strange to think of boundaries between family members, but it is essential for a healthy and happy family.

 

All members need to know their limits when dealing with you and that same boundary protects them too. Setting boundaries can make you feel safe and make others feel safe, too. Everyone would know what to expect and have information about wants and needs of everyone.

 

Stop and think about the times you felt uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or betrayed. Those dark emotions indicate that your boundaries were somehow crossed. This clearly shows the need for everyone to have those boundaries.

 

Boundaries ensure that your rights are protected. You have the right to enjoy positive and satisfying relationships. This type of relationship allows you to express yourself honestly and tell others how you wish to be treated.

 

I think you would be surprised to know that many couples simply do not know how to treat each other because they do not know what they want. If you want your spouse to treat you with consideration and respect, you have to tell him/her. It seems so obvious and simple. Your spouse would not know if you do not tell them. You must teach them how to treat you.

 

There are times when being assertive towards your spouse may seem like an uphill battle. It just feels like he/she is not listening to what you are saying; it seems like he/she is not attentive to your needs. Approaching them in the same old manner may be your problem. It is time to find a new way to say what you need to say.

 

Many men and women approach their spouse with the old passive/aggressive guilt trip starting with negative feelings, feelings of superiority, and blame.

If you start with the blame game, your spouse is going to shut down within thirty seconds. He/she has heard all this before and will tune out as soon as you open your mouth. It is time to try a new tack.

 

Put aside those negative feelings and do not start with a criticism. Try to see things from your spouse’s point of view and find again good things that you love about that person. Appreciate his/her good points and put aside the issues you two fight about.

 

Approach the encounter carefully, keep calm, and most importantly, watch your language. Always remember that ill-chosen words can hurt deeply. Avoid blaming the other person. Try to be supportive of your spouse and for heaven’s sake, admit when you are wrong!

 

Asserting yourself and negotiating does not mean tearing the other person down all for the purpose of proving that you are right and the other party is wrong. Making your spouse feel miserable and unworthy is no way to negotiate your wants and needs. That is not a win-win situation. Instead, look at your spouse’s positive points and boost his/her morale. Abraham Lincoln said, “It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels he’s worthy of himself.”

 

Sometimes, the problem is not your spouse but another member of your family or your spouse’s family. Keep in mind that you are living your own life now with your partner and children as a family. Do not let relatives or in-laws push you around. You will encounter some family members that practically insist on a fight.

 

It is better to politely avoid an argument and simply refuse to be pulled into any form of discussion or confrontation. Keep it simple and try these deflections:

 

· I’m going to bow out of this one, thanks.

· Sorry, I don’t have an opinion on that.

· I truly wish I had something to contribute to this, but I don’t.

· Maybe you could rephrase that, please.

· Leave me out of this.

 

Do not be recklessly assertive and go overboard when dealing with a loved one. When dealing with those you are closest to, learn to be more assertive and less aggressive. Be more confident and less fearful.

 

Learn to be more effective so you will not come off as wishy-washy. Stop being a fence sitter; say what you feel and mean what you say. Demanding to have everything your way will not earn you the respect you desire from your family. Being calmly assertive and fair with everyone will command that respect. It will even encourage them to emulate you.

 

Boundaries must be set and adhered to at all times in order for families to be happy, healthy, and respectful of each other. Asserting your rights within the family is not asking too much and makes for a better relationship. Boundaries would include making sure each member of the family has needed privacy and space. It also has to do with how each member speaks to the others in the family. Negative, insulting, or rude talk is not acceptable.

 

It is unfortunate that some people allow others to decide for them and then become bitter in the end. This is especially true within the framework of a family.

One spouse begins making the decisions for the entire family, without necessarily consulting the other. If you find this to be true in your own household, keep in mind that your partner began making those decisions because you allowed that to happen.

 

Many spouses let their partners have it their own way to maintain the peace in the family. This can absolutely work to your disadvantage. The longer you allow it to continue, the more difficult it becomes to assert yourself, take back your own life, and exercise your decision-making capabilities.

 

This whole dynamics can lead to low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority since you allow others to decide matters for yourself. Their actions are inferring that you are not capable of making your own decisions.

 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If your spouse has begun taking the initiative and is making decisions that you do not agree with, guess whose fault was it?

 

By your inaction, you have taught your partner that it is okay to go over your head and decide what you should have and not have. You have given away your power but you can still get it back. You will find in the last chapter of this report a short assertiveness training manual to help you regain your power of decision.

 

If people in your life are treating you badly, you must figure out things that you are doing which allow them to continue behaving in such a way to you. What is it that makes them feel free to verbally or physically abuse you?

 

Women may find themselves feeling uncomfortable around men who curse or tend to talk about women in unacceptable terms. Men who behave this way have no respect for women. By remaining silent, these women are allowing this behavior to perpetuate.

 

One of the biggest roadblocks to asserting yourself could be the unarticulated desire. Many people want something from someone but are unclear, even in their own minds, on exactly what that “something” is. They make no verbal assertions about their wants and needs, but rather expect others to instinctively know what that mysterious “something” could be.

While we are all about improving ourselves by learning new skills and developing new talents, most of us are simply not capable of reading the minds of others (outside of the amazing Kreskin, that is!). People cannot possibly grant that mysterious “something” to you if they do not have a clue on what it is.

 

Stop waiting for your spouse, kids, boss, co-workers, or friends to magically figure out what you want or need. Assert yourself and tell them clearly what you need.

 

Remember that assertiveness is about getting what you need and protecting your rights, while not stomping on the feelings and rights of others. So, open you mouth and say what you need. If you want to reap the benefits, you must first give it a name. You must articulate whatever it is that you want, need, or desire.

Maybe the simple act of making a decision is what is holding you back.

 

Indecision keeps you from articulating what you need. Indecision causes homeostasis, inaction, and resistance to change. If you do not make a decision, someone will eventually decide for you and you probably would not like the result.

 

Knowing what you really want is essential. In this world, the only thing you will get is exactly what you ask for. What are you asking for?

 

Being more assertive (NOT AGGRESSIVE, PUSHY or RUDE) with those closest to you will give you the ability to move on to creating boundaries and with co-workers, employees, contractors, etc.

 

 

Why Most Leadership Development Efforts Fail

Why do most leadership development efforts fail? good question.

 

Organizations invest large amounts of time – and even more money trying to develop their leaders.  Unfortunately much of that investment doesn’t get the return it should.  This article tells you why.

 

George was seen as an up-and-coming leader in the organization.  People the worked for him liked and respected him.  And those in Senior Leadership saw his potential, so he was slated to attend the company’s leadership development workshop.

 

George was ecstatic!  He loved the organization and wanted to move up and contribute as much as he could.  He saw this opportunity as a positive step in that progression.  Plus, he had some challenges in his job that he hoped he could learn how to deal with more successfully.

 

After he found out he was slated to attend, George didn’t hear much more about the training until about a week before it began.  The email gave him all of the details and he was excited all over again.  Excited, that is, until he looked at his calendar and saw how much he had to do.

 

Because the training meant so much to him, he was determined to be focused while he was there, so he worked hard to get his projects all caught up before he left for the workshop.

 

George loved the workshop!  The facilitator was great, the content was helpful, and the food was even good!  He was so motivated by the new ideas and the people he met.  He gained in confidence as they practiced some of the things they learned. As a part of the program he built an action plan.  He left the two days completely stoked about what he had learned and how he would be able to apply it.

 

After the Workshop

 

George awoke the next morning and reviewed his action plan.  He was excited because he knew what he would do to be a better leader, starting today.  Then, George got back to work.  As he fired up his computer he checked his voice mail. 

 

23 messages. 

 

His heart sank a little.  As he listened to the messages, taking notes when needed on his next steps, he opened up his email and found an even more depressing sight.  91 emails.  A quick glance found that there was little fluff there – it wasn’t 20 serious emails and a bunch of reading or jokes, it was a solid 91 emails to read, work through, reply to and take action on.

 

After getting a cup of coffee, George went to say hello to his team.  This took awhile because they had questions and things they wanted to talk to him about – which was only natural since he had been out-of-pocket for two days.  By 9:15 he was back at his desk, ready to tackle all the messages – including the 7 new emails that had come in while he was out.

 

By 3:00 he had mostly forgotten about his action plan – he remembered it only when he saw it in his briefcase.  He took it out and looked at it wistfully.  He was still committed to working on those items, but they would have to wait, the next project meeting was all day tomorrow. . .

 

Reviewing the Situation

 

Perhaps the situation above sounds familiar to you.  What is written up to the “After the Workshop” heading looks good situation:  a willing learner, a well designed workshop, and a person leaving excited about his action plan.  This story might be a bit too rosy – admittedly, not every one who attends training will be as excited and motivated as George, but in the end it doesn’t really matter – because a highly motivated person like George won’t get as much from this effort as he could or even wants to.

 

Why?

 

Because while most leadership development programs focus on developing a great training program, that is a small part of the overall likelihood of success.  You see, training is an event, but learning (including leadership development) is a process.

 

We don’t learn important, complex life skills in brief instant.  In an instant we can get an insight, an aha, and an inspiration.  In an event we can get ideas, approaches, checklists and knowledge.  But skills come to us over time – not in a one shot, one time training course (regardless of how well it is designed or how awesome the trainer is). Skills come with practice and application.

 

Leadership development is a process and as long as those efforts look like events, the return on those investments will never be high.

 

Much can be written about specific things that can be done to make the process more effective, but you can start without that list of ideas.  Reread the story above.  Connect it to your situation and then think of two things you can do to make your leadership development process (whether for yourself or your organization) be more successful.

 

 

Efforts Fail: Why do some leadership development efforts not work out?

 

Organizations invest large amounts of time – and even more money trying to develop their leaders.  Unfortunately much of that investment doesn’t get the return it should. 

If you will permit me, here is a scenario for you:

George was seen as an up-and-coming leader in the organization.  The people who worked under him liked and respected him. Those in senior leadership saw his potential, so he was slated to attend the company’s leadership development workshop.

George was ecstatic!  He loved the organization and wanted to move up and contribute as much as he could.  He saw this opportunity as a positive step in that progression.  Plus, he had some challenges in his job that he hoped he could learn how to deal with more successfully.

After he found out he was slated to attend, George didn’t hear much more about the training until about a week before it began.  The email gave him all of the details and he was excited all over again.  Excited, that is, until he looked at his calendar and saw how much he had to do.

Because the training meant so much to him, he was determined and focused while he was there, so he worked hard to get his projects all caught up before he left for the workshop, leaving nothing unfinished to distract him while at the training.

George loved the workshop!  The facilitator was great, the content was helpful, and the food was even good!  He was so motivated by the new ideas and the people he met.  He gained in confidence as they practiced some of the things they learned. As a part of the program he built an action plan.  He left the two days completely stoked about what he had learned and how he would be able to apply it.

 

After the Workshop

 

George awoke the next morning and reviewed his action plan.  He was excited because he knew what he would do to be a better leader, starting today.  Then, George got back to work.  As he fired up his computer he checked his voice mail. 

23 messages. 

His heart sank a little.  As he listened to the messages, taking notes when needed on his next steps, he opened up his email and found an even more depressing sight.  91 emails.  A quick glance found that there was little fluff there – it wasn’t 20 serious emails and a bunch of reading or jokes, it was a solid 91 emails to read, work through, reply to and take action on.

After getting a cup of coffee, George went to say hello to his team.  This took awhile because they had questions and things they wanted to talk to him about – which was only natural since he had been out-of-pocket for two days.  By 9:15 he was back at his desk, ready to tackle all the messages – including the 7 new emails that had come in while he was out.

By 3:00 he had mostly forgotten about his action plan – he remembered it only when he saw it in his briefcase.  He took it out and looked at it wistfully.  He was still committed to working on those items, but they would have to wait, the next project meeting was all day tomorrow. . .

 

Reviewing the Situation

 

I know, the scene played out a little long, but it does set the stage for the topic of this post. Perhaps the situation above sounds familiar.  What is written up to the “After the Workshop” heading looks good; a willing learner, a well-designed workshop, and a person leaving excited about his action plan.  This story might be a bit too rosy – admittedly, not every one who attends training will be as excited and motivated as George, but in the end it doesn’t really matter – because a highly motivated person like George won’t get as much from this effort as he could or even wants to.

Why is that you ask?

Because while most leadership development programs focus on developing a great training program, that is a small part of the overall likelihood of success.  You see, training is an event, but learning (including leadership development) is a process.

We don’t learn important, complex life skills in a brief instant.  In an instant we might be able to gain new insight or inspiration, but then the law of diminished intent kicks in.  The law of diminished intent basically states that the longer you go without acting on something, the less likely you are to do it.

In an event we can get ideas, approaches, checklists and knowledge.  But skills come to us over time – not in a one shot, one time training course (regardless of how well it is designed or how awesome the trainer is). Skills come with practice and application.

Leadership development is a process and as long as those efforts look like events, the return on those investments will never be high.

Much can be written about the specifics that can be done to make the process more effective, but you can start without that list of ideas.  Reread the story above.  Connect it to your situation and then think of two things you can do to make your leadership development process (whether for yourself or your organization) to be more successful.

The key is to make it an ongoing experience, not an event. True leadership comes from growth, not a playbook of guidelines.