Balancing Your Life-Part 2

It’s Time to Take Action

“This strange disease of modern life, With its sick hurry, its divided aims”

~ Matthew Arnold ~

 

In the last post, we discussed the reasons work/life balance is important, and you know that others feel as you do, so what do you do about the problem?

 

You may hate what has happened to your life. But, you probably don’t know how to change the landscape. You will be happy to know that you CAN change your life.

 

Whether you make this decision for health reasons, relationship reasons or simply out of the need to get control over your own life, you have more than enough justification and motivation to make the move.

 

However, you need to make a firm commitment to this change. Be realistic about how fast and how far you can go with this plan.

 

But, let’s be clear about something! What we are talking about here is not quitting your job and hoping that someone will donate money to the cause.

 

There is a real difference between achieving balance in your work and family life and the idea that you don’t have to work at all.

 

Work is part of life, and it is healthy and constructive. It pays the bills; it gives us the reward of real accomplishment and feeling of useful participation in the community and in society.

 

What we are talking about here is the rational balance of your work and social life – a balance that is all too rare in today’s society, and one whose absence has caused sky-high healthcare costs and a dramatic increase in stress, psychological and relationship problems.

 

Now that we are clear on the goals and reasons for work/life balance, let’s continue!

If you’ve decided to jump off the merry-go-round and seek some occasional solace with your family and friends, you must have a plan for your escape.

 

First, and foremost, you must set goals! Involve your boss, co-workers, friends and family in the process and keep the lines of communication open, and you’ll end up where you want to be.

 

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

 

Depending on your age and how long you have run the rat race, you may find it harder than you thought it would be but with perseverance and the right support network, you can succeed.

Are you ready? Good!

Then, without further ado, let’s proceed!

 

‘The Career’ Versus ‘The Job’

“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion”

~ C. Northcote Parkinson ~

 

Before you decide to tell your boss that you simply must have more time off to spend with the family, you’ll need to consider a few things.

 

First, most large companies now support balanced life plans – in other words, they recognize the need for their employees to take vacations, take time off to go to the doctor with a sick child, and get home for dinner at a reasonable hour.

 

But, in some companies, that commitment is lip service only. In other words, what the human resource policies say is one thing. The reality is quite something else.

 

In smaller companies, all bets are off!

 

Some companies are so small that they are not subject to government regulations regarding hours but it is important for you to understand that in today’s world, no company in the U.S. can abuse an employee by working them 24 hours a day.

 

Remember, there are labor laws to protect you.

 

The first thing you need to do is to understand your rights. If you live in a country other than the U.S., you will have to look at the labor laws there to determine what you can expect when you go to talk to your boss.

 

Remember, the better prepared you are, the better chance you will have at getting what you need. If your boss does not know the law, you’ll need to be prepared to educate her.

Before you begin to execute your plan to balance your life, you’ll want to think carefully about your job, and your career goals.

 

You’ll find some thought-provoking considerations below.

 

Think carefully about each of these things, and add your own considerations to the list, if you have some that are specific to your own job.

 

If you really want balance and change in your life, you have to plan for it and then carefully execute the plan with dedication and persistence.

 

Here are some things to consider:

• ��
• Are you a member of a union? If so, there are rules regarding your work hours and these must be enforced. You can talk to a union steward to get help with this.
• Do you have a contract that requires you to work certain hours? If you do, you may have to change jobs to get the balance you want in your life.
• If you are in a position that is critical to the company – in other words, no one else can do what you do – then you may out of luck when it comes to getting reduced hours.
• Are you making a ridiculous amount of money in your job? If you are, your hours are probably not negotiable.

 

The company you work for certainly expects you to earn the money they pay you and the generous compensation is meant to reward you for the hours and stress.

Again, you may have to change jobs and, at the same time, change your salary expectation.

 

• Does everyone in your company and/or department work crazy hours? There are some jobs - like technical support in a company with critical data stored on servers, or networks – where you will not have the option to negotiate your departure time on certain days.

 

Perhaps, on other days when things are quiet and slow, you can ask your boss to let you leave early and/or get compensatory time to reward you for the crazy hours you are expected to work during an emergency.

 

Don’t despair if you are a trauma nurse, or you work in the operating room or in other jobs where you have to work really tough shifts.

 

Many hospitals, fire departments and other such companies are now using a 4-day on, 3-day off schedule or other schedules that let these critical workers spend more time with their families.

 

These flexible schedules also allow employees to schedule daytime appointments, and to decompress from the sometimes-stressful experiences and events that occur while they are on the job.

 

If your employer does not participate in these schedules, perhaps you want to take your skills elsewhere.

 

Seasonal jobs may give you the opportunity to negotiate hours, as well. Put your nose to the grindstone during Christmas hours in a retail store, or summer hours in a surf shop, and ask for extra time off to reward your dedication during the off-season.

 

• Look carefully at your position and determine if you have a ‘job’ or a ‘career’. If you are in it for the long haul and hope to continue the climb to upper management, you can expect to work much longer hours and endure a lot more stress.

 

Can you take another job in a lower stress environment, perhaps a company that prides itself on being ‘family friendly’ and still get into management?

If you want to stay in the company you are in, and continue to climb, and if your company is not dedicated to a balanced life for their employees, you may find it very difficult, if not impossible, to balance your life.

 

• If you are in a position to do so, and your company does not recognize the need for and value of a balanced work and family approach, consider going to your human resource department or to your manager and starting a grass roots movement to look at this issue.

 

Of course, management may immediately think you simply want to do less work than they want you to accomplish. To counter this, you’ll need to arm yourself with information.

 

There are all kinds of studies on increased productivity, employee retention and performance that support the decision to create a balanced work and family environment.

Companies like DuPont, Motorola, Hewlett-Packard, Marriott International, Eddie Bauer Inc. and many others have instituted these programs and your employer may look to these leaders to get some ideas.

 

There are resources available online for you and for your company. These resources include seminars for company employees, and documents that teach managers and employees how to better manage time and workload so that the employee can accomplish more work, and produce excellent output – all in less time.

 

Look at sites like these:

http://www.bc.edu/centers/cwf/

http://cwfr.la.psu.edu/research.htm

http://www.familiesandwork.org/

http://www.workfamily.com/

http://hrweb.mit.edu/worklife/index.html

http://www.uml.edu/centers/CFWC/

 

You’ll notice that many of these sites are sponsored by universities and these universities often participate with companies to help them execute a work/life balance strategy.

In exchange, the university gains valuable insight and knowledge that they use to advance their studies.

 

You will also notice that many of these sites have online courses, or self-paced courses to walk management and/or employees through the process of planning for and executing a balanced work/life program.

 

• If the reason you are working really long hours, under tremendous stress is that your boss is a lunatic, then you need to change jobs. Before you do that, you have to honest with yourself.

 

Be sure that you aren’t contributing to the problem and that you have honestly tried to improve your relationship. Be sure that you don’t make things worse by offering to work longer hours or take someone else’s shift because you feel guilty.

 

If your attitude and feelings of obligation about work are contributing to your long hours and burying you work you can never finish, you have to make some changes in your work habits. This may sound easy, but it isn’t necessarily so.

 

Many people function from guilt and take on more than they should because they want their bosses and co-workers to like them or they think they will get a promotion or raise, when they actually aren’t required to do more than perform well in order to be recognized.

 

If you have emotional issues about what is enough, or how to be well liked on the job, you have to address those.

 

Some companies offer job coaches, or life coaches to help you through these obstacles. If not, consider getting a life coach on your own time or go to a counselor and work through your issues.

 

Remember, it is important to do a good job and even, many times, to go the extra mile, but you should never put yourself in a position where you do all the work while other people get paid the same amount or more and get promotions or time off when you do not.

 

If you get to this point in your reading and you have become convinced that you would have to change companies and jobs in order to achieve the balance you desire, don’t be discouraged.

 

While you may think there are no companies out there that stress work/life balance, you would be surprised at the number of companies – small and large – that are embracing this philosophy as a way to attract and retain good employees.

 

Companies as diverse as Chubb, J.C. Penney, PrintingForLess, and RSM McLadrey have programs in place, and report that their employees and managers have enthusiastically embraced the work/life balance.

 

Employees are working together in teams, better than ever before, to ensure that the work flow continues when they are away at attending a daughter or son’s kindergarten graduation or taking advantage of a four day work week to catch up on their golf game.

 

As this trend continues, and more companies are forced to consider this balanced environment to attract and keep valuable employees and skills, your search for the perfect company will become much easier.

 

In the meantime, look around.

 

These companies are much easier to find than they used to be and it is more acceptable today to say that you want this balance – whether you are male or female, young or experienced, or working as an executive or a retail clerk.

 

The last area we need to discuss in the work half of the work/life balance is Time Management.

 

This may not apply to everyone, but it certainly applies to many people.

 

In surveys done across many job categories, including construction, service industries like hotels and restaurants, small business owners and corporate moguls, a large percentage of those surveyed said that they felt they needed to improve their time management skills so that they didn’t need to spend as much time at work.

 

Many wanted to reduce the time they had to spend reworking tasks they had already performed because they had done it wrong the first time.

 

You will find a few simple tips below, to get your time under control.

 

If you do these things, you will find that, even in the most stressful and time-consuming jobs, you can reduce the hours you spend at work, and arrive home in a less stressed, more family-friendly frame of mind!

 

Make a ‘To Do’ List – Then put these items in order, starting with the most critical. If you could only get one thing done today, what would be the most important?

 

Cross the items off the list as you complete them, and don’t be distracted. Stay focused!

Since we all have interruptions, be sure that, if you don’t accomplish the items toward the bottom of you list on that day, you add them to your list the next day so you don’t drop them.

 

Use a daily planner if that makes things easier.

 

Don’t Waste Time – Use your spare minutes well. Take the train to work instead of driving and use that time to read critical reports you may have to review, or read your new equipment training manual on the bus on the way home.

 

If you are going to take a break during the day and there is someone you have to see, stop by their office and grab them to go for coffee, then talk about the issue and resolve it while you are walking out in the sunshine and enjoying your java.

 

You’ll feel like you took a break AND got something accomplished at the same time.

Just Say ‘No’ - If your boss wants you to work late and you have a family engagement, but you could work late the next night or come early in the morning, suggest alternatives and see if those will work.

 

Don’t be so quick to accept the command without probing to find out if there is another way to handle it.

 

If a co-worker asks you to lunch and you MUST finish a report by 3:00, politely decline the invitation and suggest dinner or coffee later instead, and get the report done.

That way you don’t have to give up the pleasurable experience, but you won’t be stressed out and working until 9:00 p.m. with your boss standing over your shoulder bemoaning the delay.

 

If the project your boss dumps on your desk is a ‘rush’ but she already gave you something that must be completed today, ask for clarification on priorities and give your boss a reasonable projection of how long it will take to do both projects and whether you can do both.

 

Don’t just take the project on and then not finish the other task she gave you, or you will both be unhappy. Speak up!

 

Know Your Brain – Do you know what the Circadian Clock is? It’s that little clock in your brain that controls when you feel the most wide awake and when you want to go to sleep.

 

If you are a morning person, attack the most difficult problems in the morning when your brain is the sharpest. That way you won’t have to rework the problem the next day when you discover that the ‘afternoon you’ made the wrong decision about the budget.

Get Enough Sleep – Your brain can operate on a short nap for a day, but if you are not sleeping enough, you will not think well or process information and you’ll make mistakes and end up staying late to fix them.

 

Advertise Your Schedule - If you hate getting phone calls first thing in the morning, before you get your day organized and have your first cup of coffee, then let your calls go to voicemail until you feel ready to take the calls.

 

You will be more focused and get more accomplished, instead of having to say, “I’ll have to get back to you on that” after hearing a ten minute explanation of the latest crisis.

 

Be Your Own Master – Sit down with a pencil and paper or a calendar and figure out how much free time you have.

 

Schedule and plan your activities at work and get your personal and family obligations on the calendar. Treat these personal obligations with the same respect you would treat a business meeting.

 

Don’t cancel personal appointments unless it is a real work emergency and, in the case where you MUST cancel, reschedule immediately and apologize to your friend or family member.

 

Explain what is happening so they don’t think they are unimportant to you. And be sure to keep the appointment you make with them the next time!

 

Don’t Procrastinate or Agonize – Don’t spend time during a family dinner worrying about the presentation tomorrow. Put your mind back where it belongs. Worrying never helped anyone accomplish a goal.

 

If you are prepared for the presentation, just do it. If you aren’t prepared, it is doubtful that you will be prepared by the morning so don’t worry about it.

 

Don’t procrastinate because you don’t like a particular activity.

 

FIRST do those things you dislike the most, and then reward yourself by doing the things you most like to do.

 

Put things on the calendar and stick to the dates – don’t talk yourself into waiting or you will just have more to do tomorrow!

 

Train and Delegate – Don’t tell yourself you don’t have the time to show someone else how to do that job that you REALLY don’t have to do.

 

Take the time to teach them and soon you will have a well-oiled team machine going, with everyone doing what they are capable of doing.

 

Don’t worry that the employee will take your job.

 

If you create a functioning team with everyone performing well, your reputation as a manager, mentor and coach will give you a shot at that promotion you want.

 

And, when you don’t have to do ALL the work yourself, you will find a lot more time to get those other tasks done and still get out of the office, shop or store on time and get home for Mom’s birthday dinner.

 

The other benefit to this time management technique is that, when you go on vacation or take that long-awaited three day weekend to go skiing, you will not have to call the office every hour to be sure there isn’t some problem you have to solve.

 

Your family will greatly appreciate having your attention on a dedicated basis for a few days of much-needed bonding.

 

And don’t overlook job-sharing programs, and cross-training as concepts that will nicely cover responsibilities and ensure that the company keeps running when you are not there.

Get Organized – It is impossible to manage your schedule if you can’t find things or if you have to recreate work or reinvent something because you lost it.

 

Take that Action List to heart and, starting today, put a task at the top of the list to organize files, or to rearrange the store or inventory so it is easier to stock or to find things.

 

Once you have things organized, don’t let them get out of control again.

The only way to justify the work involved in that reorganization is if you KNOW you will never have to go through it again!

 

Keep a Realistic Perspective - Setting unrealistic goals is a mistake – whether it is the completion date of a software project, or the time you think you can deliver that report to your manager, if you underestimate the time required to get the work done, you will end up working late and you’ll look bad to your boss.

 

Be realistic about when you plan to complete tasks and do your homework to be sure that you can accomplish the task in this timeframe.

 

Consider other ways to get the job done if you think these considerations will help you meet the deadline faster, but don’t promise what you can’t deliver.

 

It is good to set goals that challenge you, but if you can never reach the goal, you will not do yourself any favors.

 

We’ll talk about your goals and what you really want in a little while, but for right now, you need to think realistically about your dedication to a balanced life.

 

It will come with some sacrifices in certain areas, but it will reap many benefits in your life – health, relationships and happiness to name a few.

 

Is balancing your work and your family life important enough for you to make some tough choices? If it isn’t, you may not get the balance you want.

 

Decide NOW! Start TODAY!

 

 

Assertiveness Q and A

First, if you missed this series, go back and check out the other posts on this topic and the Q and A will be more pertinent to you. Just click here for the first of the series.

Here are just a few Q and A discussions on the topic of assertiveness. Again, there is no quick fix, one side fits all ability to go from being used and abused to being assertive without being pushy and obnoxious, but hopefully you see the importance of being more assertive in order to be successful and keep moving forward.

 

Q: What if I do become more assertive and I use what I have learned in my relationships, in my office work, or with friends; I even learned to say “no”. What if people get angry with me?

 

A: People who are truly your friends are not going to get mad at you. Real friends want you to learn and grow as a person. They will probably be happy for you now that you have learned to stop being a doormat. True friends want the best for you; in fact, they may have been secretly worried about you being such a pushover.

 

As for your spouse, if your partner truly loves you and wants the best for you, he/she will rejoice that you are learning to be more assertive and growing as a person. Your spouse’s own life will be enriched by your experience. You will be more self-confident and happy, thereby making both of your lives better.

 

If you apply these skills to your job, your boss and co-workers will have more respect for you. At work, it can mean getting a promotion, being assigned new and interesting challenges, or maybe even a raise. When your boss sees your capability to take control, handle crises, remain calm, and maintain poise, he will begin to see you in a completely new light.

 

Standing up for yourself makes a huge difference in the way people look at you and in how they treat you, especially at the office. It may be true that you cannot please everyone with your newly acquired skill. The ones who will not like the new you are probably the ones who used to push you around and took advantage of you at every turn. Do not worry; they will get over it.

 

Stop depriving yourself of the respect due to you. Be assertive and earn other people’s respect. Be in control of your life and feel more self-confident.

 

Your life will never be the same again.

 

Q: If others do get angry with me, how do I handle it? What if I fall apart?

 

A: If you use these new skills appropriately, things will change, situations will improve and yes, you will earn the ire of some people. As previously pointed out, those who will get angry are probably the ones who used to mistreat you.

 

However, you are improving your own life and protecting your rights. They are upset because they can no longer push you around, infringe on your personal rights, and pass on to you the jobs they do not wish to do.

 

That is why they are angry. Bear in mind that you are not responsible for their feelings. They will have to deal with their feelings. It is now their problem, not yours.

 

Q: Are my friends going to get mad when I start telling them “no” all the time?

 

A: They would be more upset to know that you have been saying “yes” to everyone, when you really mean to say “no”. Agreeing to things that you really do not want to do will make you feel resentful towards that person.

 

You hate feeling that way towards friends, right? It is almost as if you have been lying to them.

 

Being assertive and saying “no” is a more honest approach, don’t you think? Or would you rather risk destroying their love and respect just because you cannot say “no”?

 

Q: What about saying “no” at work; won’t that get me in trouble?

 

A: By agreeing to everything that everyone wants you to do at work, you will find that you simply cannot keep up with all the work. There are just so many hours in a day. If you say “yes” to everything, you are cheating yourself and the others who are depending on you to finish what you said you would do.

 

Doing shoddy work is not going to impress anyone. By taking on too much, you would not have the time to do a good job on everything. By limiting the number of jobs you accept, you are actually doing everyone a favor. If you keep the workload down, you can do a great job on your assignments. This is what will impress people. It is better to cut the workload and finish everything well, than to take on too much and finish nothing.

 

Q: What if someone asks me to do something I know I can easily accomplish and yet, I say “no”; will he think that I’m selfish or self-centered?

 

A: Just because you can do something does not mean you have to do it. You can refuse even legitimate requests assertively. Sometimes, you have to put your own needs ahead of others. You cannot please everyone all the time and you do not have to. Bitterness will grow if you let the guilt get to you and make you a ‘yes’ person all the time.

 

Q: If I’m assertive about what I know and what I can do, won’t that make me sound egocentric? Shouldn’t I be more modest?

 

A: Being assertive and let people know you are clever and skilled is not being immodest or egocentric. Sometimes you have to toot your own horn, so to speak, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you do not do it, who will?

Sometimes being modest is not a good thing. It makes you sound like you cannot say anything positive about yourself. It also indicates that you cannot give or receive compliments.

 

Q: If I toot my own horn, as you say, won’t people expect me to be great 100% of the time? What if I screw up?

 

A: Without being assertive and letting others know of your skills and accomplishments, you will miss out many opportunities. Since no one is perfect, you will make mistakes occasionally. Own up to them and learn from them, then move on.

 

Even if you mess up once in a while, you will be respected far more for giving it your best shot than by not trying at all. As Wayne Gretzky, the hockey player said, “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

 

Q: I’m a woman and I’m not sure it’s considered feminine to be assertive all the time. Men can get away with it, but not women. Will men in my office hate me if I try to be assertive in the workplace?

 

A: It is unfortunate that assertive women often have more trouble at work than their male counterparts. However, that should not stop any woman from standing up for herself in the workplace. If you possess the skills necessary for the job and have the experience and the drive, you can assert yourself and get what you want.

 

A woman in a management position may find herself walking in a fine line. She must be assertive in order to do her job, but may be thought of as pushy or unfeminine when she does. Oddly enough, studies done on this topic showed that the criticism came mostly from other women, not the men in the workplace.

 

Someone once said that we should learn to live without the good opinions of others. If your career is important to you, you will have to learn to be assertive and be selective about considering other people’s opinions.

 

As I said in the first part of this series, assertiveness starts with being aware.

If you have read my blog for very long, you know that I am not doing this to get rich off of my readers, I want to help others succeed and do it without having to hit all of the bumps in the road that I have, so when I offer something, it is not very often and it is to help. Like with this offer; a big part of assertiveness is being able to find your voice and speak up. Click Here! for an awesome book on speaking. It is a great one to own, but if not, try to find it in your local library.

Teach Your Children to Be Assertive

Creating a Confident Next Generation

 

“When children are treated with acceptance, they develop self acceptance.”

-         Stephanie Matson

 

Yeah, we covered assertiveness at home and then at work, so you are probably wondering why I am going to teaching children. If you have been following me very long, then you already know this, but in case you are new to my blog, I am a firm believer that you are not truly successful unless you create a legacy of success and a deliberate way of doing that is to pass on your success to the next generation.

 

Teaching the future generations everything that you know, the issues that you have overcome and how you overcame them, gives them an advantage on life, thus giving them a better life.

 

Children experience pressure at home. For sure, they also experience pressure in school. So it is not too early to teach them to be assertive. Keep in mind that teaching them to be assertive is not the same thing as teaching them to be aggressive or obnoxious. It doesn’t necessarily mean teaching them to go on the offensive.

 

Just think of it, our lack of assertiveness started when we were children and continued into our adult lives. The situation is more difficult for the children. They are not yet aware that they have rights, the same as we adults do.

 

Children (and even adults!) need to be taught that:

 

· No one has the right to make them feel guilty, foolish, or ignorant.

 

Though some may try to do just that, your child needs to know that those bullies do not have the right to do such mean things to anyone.

 

They should be ignored and not listened to for the sake of your child’s well being.

 

· They do not need to make excuses to everyone for every little thing they do.

 

Children are accountable only to few people and these are mainly their parents, brothers, sisters, close relatives and immediate family. Of course, they are also accountable to themselves but no one else.

 

· They are allowed to change their minds and not feel bad about it.

 

Sometimes, adults have a change of heart. So why can’t kids have the same? They need to know that it is okay to change their minds.

 

Nothing is carved in stone, especially when it comes to children.

 

· If things go wrong; it is not necessarily their fault.

 

Many children internalize family problems. They take the blame for things they have no control of. In fact, these are things that they should not deal with at all. An example of this is the separation of their parents.

 

· They do not have to know everything. It is okay to say, “I do not know” or “I do not understand”.

 

Adults do not know everything so why should a child know everything?

 

It is important to teach your child not to feel inferior because they do not have the right answers to all questions at once. Children often feel this way in the early years of school. They need to be reminded that their lack of knowledge is the primary reason why they have to study in school!

 

· Making a mistake is not the end of the world.

 

There is nothing wrong about committing mistakes. They need to know that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. They should just admit the mistake and correct it, if possible. Mistakes are mechanisms that facilitate learning.

 

· They do not have to be everybody’s friend.

 

Not everyone is going to like them, but that is okay. Many children feel that there is something wrong with them if they have few friends in school. This is one of the basic lessons for children. They are going to meet other kids who will not like them. It is the same in the adult world, isn’t it?

 

· If they do not understand something, it is okay to say, “I don’t get it.”

 

Children feel bad if they do not get it. They think that they are inferior and there is something wrong with them. Not everybody gets it, but it is okay. Life still goes on.

 

· They do not have to prove themselves to everyone they meet.

 

Children need to be taught that they do not have to prove anything to others. It is okay just to be themselves. Having to prove something to everyone is exhausting and will sap the self-confidence you are trying to build in your child.

 

· They do not have to be perfect.

 

Perfection is not possible anyway. They should just be themselves. It is unfair to expect perfection from your child, when you cannot attain it yourself.

 

The biggest obstacle to your children’s personality development might just be their own social skills. Young children have social and communication skills to make them feel self-confident. Meeting new kids makes many children nervous.

They are unsure about what to say or how to approach other children and adults.

 

You can prepare them for new social encounters by doing frequent little role-playing activities with them. Help them practice social conversation by pretending to be the new kid. Teach your child how to initiate and sustain conversation with others.

 

Teaching them social skills is the first step to making them more comfortable in just about any given situation. The more comfortable they feel in these situations, the easier they will learn how to be assertive. The better they understand themselves, the more they will know and articulate their needs.

 

As you go about the role-playing activities, you must teach your children how to ask questions and get others to respond. Also, equip them with skills on following up the information they receive. This will teach your kids to become good listeners. This is especially helpful for shy children. This way, you develop children to become good listeners, excellent conversationalists, self confident and assertive individuals.

 

Because of their tender age, frustration easily sets in and children have a tendency to respond with anger. It is imperative to teach your children that anger is not a good tool for asserting themselves. As an adult, you already know that other people react negatively towards anger and aggressiveness. Anger distorts the message the child is trying to deliver, thus resulting to a break down in communication. Just as this is highly ineffective for adults, so it is with children.

 

Credibility is automatically discounted when they display anger. Children are more expressive in communicating anger. Signs of anger may include dragging their feet (passive aggressive), throwing tantrums, breaking toys, or even hitting others. It may be hard to understand, especially for young children, that anger is not an effective tool in building assertiveness.

 

When you are asserting your authority over children, one of the qualities that you should have is persistence. Repetition is another effective way of teaching young toddlers. You repeat over and over what you want from them.

 

Your children can use the same tool to help assert themselves to their peers. Yelling, screaming, and pounding will not get them what they want, but persistence will wear down the opposition.

 

Another useful tool is working out a compromise with others. Everyone wants to feel they won the round. A compromise insures that both sides win and nobody loses. Asserting without denying the rights of the other person can bring about a peaceful solution for everyone.

 

Non-assertive children will be oversensitive to criticisms, especially those expressed by family members. They are also terrified of getting caught making a mistake. They are constantly afraid of being wrong, doing something wrong, or being thought of as stupid. You can also spot non-assertive children because of their lack of persistence. They give up far too easily and do not try after a single failure.

 

Children must be taught to deal with mistakes. They have to know that it is not the end of the world if they make an error. Everybody makes mistakes, so it is okay as long as you admit and try to rectify it. When children are not taught how to cope up with mistakes, they tend to get extremely upset.

 

Learning to deal with one’s own faults and those of others is difficult enough for adults to deal with, let alone children. Let them know it is okay not to be perfect, none of us are. You should not expect them to perform perfectly all the time.

 

Perfection is something none of us can live up to, no matter how hard we try. It is unfair to expect a child to be perfect. Many children spend their whole lives trying to live up to their parents’ unfair expectations, instead of learning to be the best at whatever they choose.

 

As far as criticism is concerned, you should prepare your children in handling them. They will receive criticisms all through out their lives. There will always be somebody around to criticize them. The critics are out there waiting to pounce on them for any imperfection or error.

 

When children learn to relax, just be themselves, filter what others have to say, and learn not to be easily influenced by opinions of others, they will lead a happier and relaxed life. They will grow up and become well-adjusted adults in the future.

 

Keep in mind that the only way you will be able to teach your children how to assert themselves is by learning how to be assertive yourself. As much as you want your children to be assertive and learn to stand up for themselves, you should not become a pushover parent.

 

If you find it hard to say “no” to your children when they are making unreasonable demands, and if you give in repeatedly, you are setting the stage for their demands to grow larger and larger with each passing day. It is up to you as the adult to set the example for your child. No means no, period, end of discussion. You do not need to become a doormat to ensure that your child becomes assertive.

 

Be a good role model for your children. Children learn what they see and experience. If you are assertive and fair, they will learn to become one, too.

 

Always keep in mind what John W. Whitehead said, “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.”

 

Keep on the lookout, there is one more post coming on the topic of assertiveness and success.

Assertiveness at Home:

Teach People How to Treat You!

 

Assertiveness has its place at home, as well as, in any other place. In fact, this is the training grounds for your new assertive self because people are more likely to let you know if you are going to far. Better an upset family member that you can make up with than a boss who could fire you.

 

Wherever humans gather, there will always be a need for well-placed assertiveness. Just as there is a need for boundaries in the workplace, so there is also a need for boundaries at home.

 

A boundary is a line that you draw between yourself and others; this includes even loved ones. It is a line that represents physical and emotional limits. You draw the line to indicate that going beyond that means a violation of your standards and rights. It may sound strange to think of boundaries between family members, but it is essential for a healthy and happy family.

 

All members need to know their limits when dealing with you and that same boundary protects them too. Setting boundaries can make you feel safe and make others feel safe, too. Everyone would know what to expect and have information about wants and needs of everyone.

 

Stop and think about the times you felt uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or betrayed. Those dark emotions indicate that your boundaries were somehow crossed. This clearly shows the need for everyone to have those boundaries.

 

Boundaries ensure that your rights are protected. You have the right to enjoy positive and satisfying relationships. This type of relationship allows you to express yourself honestly and tell others how you wish to be treated.

 

I think you would be surprised to know that many couples simply do not know how to treat each other because they do not know what they want. If you want your spouse to treat you with consideration and respect, you have to tell him/her. It seems so obvious and simple. Your spouse would not know if you do not tell them. You must teach them how to treat you.

 

There are times when being assertive towards your spouse may seem like an uphill battle. It just feels like he/she is not listening to what you are saying; it seems like he/she is not attentive to your needs. Approaching them in the same old manner may be your problem. It is time to find a new way to say what you need to say.

 

Many men and women approach their spouse with the old passive/aggressive guilt trip starting with negative feelings, feelings of superiority, and blame.

If you start with the blame game, your spouse is going to shut down within thirty seconds. He/she has heard all this before and will tune out as soon as you open your mouth. It is time to try a new tack.

 

Put aside those negative feelings and do not start with a criticism. Try to see things from your spouse’s point of view and find again good things that you love about that person. Appreciate his/her good points and put aside the issues you two fight about.

 

Approach the encounter carefully, keep calm, and most importantly, watch your language. Always remember that ill-chosen words can hurt deeply. Avoid blaming the other person. Try to be supportive of your spouse and for heaven’s sake, admit when you are wrong!

 

Asserting yourself and negotiating does not mean tearing the other person down all for the purpose of proving that you are right and the other party is wrong. Making your spouse feel miserable and unworthy is no way to negotiate your wants and needs. That is not a win-win situation. Instead, look at your spouse’s positive points and boost his/her morale. Abraham Lincoln said, “It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels he’s worthy of himself.”

 

Sometimes, the problem is not your spouse but another member of your family or your spouse’s family. Keep in mind that you are living your own life now with your partner and children as a family. Do not let relatives or in-laws push you around. You will encounter some family members that practically insist on a fight.

 

It is better to politely avoid an argument and simply refuse to be pulled into any form of discussion or confrontation. Keep it simple and try these deflections:

 

· I’m going to bow out of this one, thanks.

· Sorry, I don’t have an opinion on that.

· I truly wish I had something to contribute to this, but I don’t.

· Maybe you could rephrase that, please.

· Leave me out of this.

 

Do not be recklessly assertive and go overboard when dealing with a loved one. When dealing with those you are closest to, learn to be more assertive and less aggressive. Be more confident and less fearful.

 

Learn to be more effective so you will not come off as wishy-washy. Stop being a fence sitter; say what you feel and mean what you say. Demanding to have everything your way will not earn you the respect you desire from your family. Being calmly assertive and fair with everyone will command that respect. It will even encourage them to emulate you.

 

Boundaries must be set and adhered to at all times in order for families to be happy, healthy, and respectful of each other. Asserting your rights within the family is not asking too much and makes for a better relationship. Boundaries would include making sure each member of the family has needed privacy and space. It also has to do with how each member speaks to the others in the family. Negative, insulting, or rude talk is not acceptable.

 

It is unfortunate that some people allow others to decide for them and then become bitter in the end. This is especially true within the framework of a family.

One spouse begins making the decisions for the entire family, without necessarily consulting the other. If you find this to be true in your own household, keep in mind that your partner began making those decisions because you allowed that to happen.

 

Many spouses let their partners have it their own way to maintain the peace in the family. This can absolutely work to your disadvantage. The longer you allow it to continue, the more difficult it becomes to assert yourself, take back your own life, and exercise your decision-making capabilities.

 

This whole dynamics can lead to low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority since you allow others to decide matters for yourself. Their actions are inferring that you are not capable of making your own decisions.

 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If your spouse has begun taking the initiative and is making decisions that you do not agree with, guess whose fault was it?

 

By your inaction, you have taught your partner that it is okay to go over your head and decide what you should have and not have. You have given away your power but you can still get it back. You will find in the last chapter of this report a short assertiveness training manual to help you regain your power of decision.

 

If people in your life are treating you badly, you must figure out things that you are doing which allow them to continue behaving in such a way to you. What is it that makes them feel free to verbally or physically abuse you?

 

Women may find themselves feeling uncomfortable around men who curse or tend to talk about women in unacceptable terms. Men who behave this way have no respect for women. By remaining silent, these women are allowing this behavior to perpetuate.

 

One of the biggest roadblocks to asserting yourself could be the unarticulated desire. Many people want something from someone but are unclear, even in their own minds, on exactly what that “something” is. They make no verbal assertions about their wants and needs, but rather expect others to instinctively know what that mysterious “something” could be.

While we are all about improving ourselves by learning new skills and developing new talents, most of us are simply not capable of reading the minds of others (outside of the amazing Kreskin, that is!). People cannot possibly grant that mysterious “something” to you if they do not have a clue on what it is.

 

Stop waiting for your spouse, kids, boss, co-workers, or friends to magically figure out what you want or need. Assert yourself and tell them clearly what you need.

 

Remember that assertiveness is about getting what you need and protecting your rights, while not stomping on the feelings and rights of others. So, open you mouth and say what you need. If you want to reap the benefits, you must first give it a name. You must articulate whatever it is that you want, need, or desire.

Maybe the simple act of making a decision is what is holding you back.

 

Indecision keeps you from articulating what you need. Indecision causes homeostasis, inaction, and resistance to change. If you do not make a decision, someone will eventually decide for you and you probably would not like the result.

 

Knowing what you really want is essential. In this world, the only thing you will get is exactly what you ask for. What are you asking for?

 

Being more assertive (NOT AGGRESSIVE, PUSHY or RUDE) with those closest to you will give you the ability to move on to creating boundaries and with co-workers, employees, contractors, etc.